FOR VIEWERS LIKE YOU

by Chris Joseph

There’s nothing more entertaining than watching local television news during sweeps week, when stations attempt to grab ratings by scaring the hell out of everyone.

I especially love the little teases they put on during Oprah, like "An Action News Exclusive: Your Cat Could Be a Terrorist" or "Can Everyday Pocket Lint Cause Pancreatic Cancer?" or "Canine Flatulence: Is Fido Poisoning Your Children? A Special Eye Team Undercover Investigation."

Thank goodness we have PBS to act as a beacon in the storm. You can always count on your local public television station to provide quality programming during sweeps, like documentaries about the mating habits of the vervet monkeys of Zimbabwe.

And the best part is that PBS is commercial free and without interruptions, except for the frequent 20-minute breaks where the hosts practically get down on their knees and beg for pledges. At least it gives me plenty of time to make a sandwich and kick my dog and cat out the door before they kill me.

But let’s face it: PBS needs to get a little bolder with its programming if it hopes to pry viewers away from commercial television. Here are just a few of my ideas for sexier, yet still high quality public television shows...

Great Performances: Yanni vs. John Tesh: Duel at Red Rocks

The long-awaited joint performance between these New Age pioneers turns ugly when Tesh hits a sour note during the duo’s original composition, "Dueling Chopsticks." An enraged Yanni attacks Tesh, but is quickly pummeled into submission by the much larger man. Tesh continues the concert as a solo act, overcoming Yanni’s absence by donning sunglasses and breaking into an impromptu Ray Charles imitation.

The American Experience: KKK: The Forgotten Kennedy

This program chronicles the life of the little-known tenth Kennedy sibling, Kevin Kurtis Kennedy, following young Kev as he overcomes a life of wealth and privilege to become a behind-the-scenes force in the civil rights movement of the 1960s. The show concludes with Kevin’s mysterious disappearance in 1965 after a rally of black supporters in Jackson, Mississippi, where against the advice of his handlers, he tries to lead the crowd in a chant of "All the Way With KKK."

Dr. Wayne Dyer: The Power of Donation

In his latest four-hour program, the self-help guru tells how you can become spiritually rich and financially bankrupt by forking over a couple of hundred bucks to buy his books and tapes. Dyer also explains how he achieved success and inner peace by winning a Peter Boyle lookalike contest.

Doo-Wop Till You Drop

Legendary Doo-Wop groups from the 1950s gather for perhaps the last time to perform their timeless oldies, and to see if they can wedge themselves into rented tuxedos without splitting their pants during a "shamma lamma ding dong." Featured performers include Melvin and the Metamucils, Danny and the Depends, and Medicare and the Supplements.

Garrison Keillor: A Little House on the Prairie Home Companion

Wobegone is you if you miss the radio humorist and his cast of nutty characters as they reenact classic scenes from Little House on the Prairie. Special homage is paid to the show’s last season when Charles Ingalls packs up his family and travels by covered limo to the shores of Lake Wobegone, where they endure hardships like drought, wild Indians, and long, overproduced radio programs.

I hope you enjoy this quality programming, but to provide more in the future PBS needs financial support from viewers like you. So please, pick up the phone. Specially trained vervet monkeys of Zimbabwe are standing by to take your call.

Comments?  Contact Chris


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