TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS by Chris Joseph I’ve become fascinated by the copyright infringement trial of Dan Brown and his best-selling book, "The Da Vinci Code," but not because I care about its outcome. Oh, I’m mildly interested to find out if Brown actually stole the ideas for his novel from Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh’s 1982 non-fiction book, "The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail." But what really intrigues me is whether a theory explored in both books is true: that Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene got hitched and had a child, and that the Son of God’s bloodline survives to this day. Now that would make for the Trial of the 21st Century... Bailiff: Please raise your right hand...Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Christ: Are you kidding?
Marcia Clark: Please state your full name for the record.
Christ: Jesus Christ, Son of God Clark: Address? Christ: Heaven, seateth at the hand of the Father. Clark: Left or right hand? Johnnie Cochran: Objection! Your honor, can we get on with this? My client’s history is well documented. I’m pretty sure there’s been at least one book written about it. Judge Ito: Sustained. Please get on with the questioning, Ms. Clark. Clark: Mr. Christ, you claim to be the Son of God. What proof can you offer this court? Christ: I can turn water into wine. Cochran: The man turned H20 into Ernest and Julio! Judge Ito: Mr. Cochran, I know you’ve been resurrected specifically for this trial, but if you continue to interrupt with those annoying rhymes, I’ll have you disbarred...Please continue, Ms Clark. Clark: Assuming that’s true, let’s see you turn this glass of water into a Cakebread Chardonnay, vintage 1973. Christ: Certainly...Would you like me to walk on it first? Cochran: The man walked on water–he ain’t your son or daughter! Judge Ito: Mr. Christ, take caution in your tone. You may be the Son of the Almighty, but I’m the Big Kahuna in this courtroom. And Mr. Cochran, I’m warning you. One more outburst and you’re back to being worm food. Clark: Let’s get to the real reason why we’re here, Mr. Christ: your claim that you married and had a child with Mary Magdalene, and that your bloodline continues to this day. Where’s the proof? Christ: Proof? Why, I am Christ. I am everywhere. I am in the wind. I am in the trees. I was on the Simpson jury. Clark: I’m looking for specific proof, Mr. Christ. Name one living person who is your direct descendent. Christ: Okay, okay...Jeez, you’re killing me. What’s next? The hammer and nails? Cochran: The man carried a cross–then he showed ’em who’s boss! Judge Ito: Mr. Cochran, you’re in contempt! I sentence you to eternal damnation as OJ’s caddy...Bailiff, remove him!...Continue, Mr. Christ. Christ: I’ll give you a descendent–Donald Trump. He has it all: hair; disciples; the power to hire and fire at will. I’m even staying in one of his penthouses during this trial. It’s not the Heavenly Kingdom, but it’ll do. Clark: Anybody else? Christ: Well, there’s that baseball player, Johnny Damon. He was my spitting image until that devil Steinbrenner got hold of him. Clark: I’m still not convinced. Christ: George W. Bush. Clark: If that’s true, then that means your own flesh and blood is responsible for endless war, soaring fuel prices, and bad diction. What do you say to that? Christ: Hey, don’t look at me. It’s not my cross to bear.
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