TALE OF THE TIGER
by Chris Joseph
Battle Creek, MI–What follows is the transcript of a somewhat contentious press conference held at Kellogg Corporate Headquarters, where that American icon of breakfast cereals, Antonio “Tony” the Tiger, discusses his latest creation, Frosted Flakes Gold...
Reporter: Tony, would you describe your new cereal for us?
Tony: Certainly. A typical serving contains 10 grams of that whole grain junk, stuff like corn bran, whole grain wheat, milled corn, blah, blah, blah...There’s also a touch of honey for added sweetness.
Reporter: Despite the healthier ingredients, would you describe Gold’s flavor as being good?
Tony: Good? They’re GR-R-R-R-EAT!...Sorry pal, you walked right into that one.
Reporter: Tony, you’ve been involved in the kids’ cereal market since 1952. How do you feel about having to adjust to a more “adult” market?
Tony: Not a problem. Just because Gold is “healthier,” it doesn’t mean that kids won’t love it. It’s still a sweet cereal, not some cardboard-tasting bran fiber mush the old geezers have to gum down to keep the plumbing working.
Reporter: How do you respond to charges from Toucan Sam that since you’ve come out with a reduced sugar version of Frosted Flakes in 2004, and now a more nutritional cereal with Gold, you’ve become a sellout, distancing yourself from your sugary past just for the money?
Tony’s attorney: Folks, Tony will have no comment. We’re here to talk about Frosted Flakes Gold, not to respond to Mr. Sam’s remarks.
Tony: No, that’s okay, Horace. I’ll answer the question...Toucan Sam is just plain loopy. Or should I say, “Fruit Loopy.” Talk about selling out–he has something called Froot Loops Smoothie out there. What the hell is that? And need I remind you, there’s also a Reduced Sugar Froot Loops.
Reporter: What about accusations that you’re marketing a whole grain cereal in an effort to avoid Flaketile Dysfunction, the condition of flake limpness caused by setting in milk for too long?
Tony’s attorney: Tony will have no comment. He–
Tony: I said I’ll handle this, Horace...Limpness has never–I repeat, NEVER been a concern of mine. Frosted Flakes are so delicious that most kids scarf them down long before the onset of limpness. As for those slower-eating kids, they must have, as we say in the jungle, “issues.”
Reporter: What about the rumors that you’re looking to leave the sugared cereal market altogether, due to your recent stint at the Kitty Ford Center to treat your chronic fructose addiction?
Tony: My rehab had nothing to do with any fructose addiction! Like I’ve said a thousand times, I was hooked on prescription cat treats. My doctor prescribed them to deal with my intense pain following hairball removal surgery. And if you check the label on a Gold box, you’ll clearly see f-r-u-c-t-o-s-e.. That spells “fructose” where I come from.
Reporter: Tony, with all that’s happened, the bickering with colleagues, the rehab stint, the affair with a stripper and a kitten born out of wedlock, what do you need to do to restore your image?
Tony: There’s nothing wrong with my bleeping image! Sure, I’ve made some mistakes–who hasn’t? I’ve learned from them and moved on. As for all those snot-nosed bleeping little bleeps, they still love me all over the bleeping world. I am Tony the bleeping Tiger!
Reporter: Tony, you seem a little tense. Have you thought of looking into anger management classes?
Tony: I don’t need any bleeping anger management classes! You better quit yankin’ my tail, pal, before I come down there and kick you bleep. I have may have nine lives, but I’m pretty sure you don’t...This bleeping press conference is over!
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