TIPS FOR A TERROR-FREE SUPER SUNDAY

by Chris Joseph

Unless you’ve been living in a cave with Osama bin Laden, you know that Super Bowl XL (as in extra large terror threat) is almost upon us.

You’re also probably aware that, after an extended hiatus, the Prince of Propaganda recently released another update to his collection of "Osama’s Greatest Hits." Once again, he’s promised to wreak havoc on the Western world by delivering hideous things like doom, destruction, or a new season of "American Idol."

I know how anxious this must make you feel. After all, there’s nothing like the release of a deadly nerve agent or an errant WMD (Weapon of Mangled Desserts) to ruin an otherwise fun-filled Super Bowl party.

With that in mind, here are some tips to help you terror-proof your Super Bowl gathering:

1. Test the bean dip for anthrax. While there have been few reported cases of anthrax poisoning since right after 9/11, you can’t be too careful. Since you don’t want to risk harming a loved one, I suggest inviting your boss just for this purpose. At worst, the dip is fine and you get a raise for inviting him. At best, it really is poisoned and you end up with his job.

2. Beware of the suicide bomber/pizza delivery guy. Those anchovies could be laced with explosives. And, "Domino" spelled backwards is "Onimod," which sort of sounds like "Osama"after your ninth beer.

3. Hire an Air Marshal to provide security. He’ll be completely inconspicuous, until he suddenly leaps up to overpower your five-year-old when she enters the room clutching a potentially lethal SpongeBob SquarePants doll.

4. Load up on duct tape. Not only will you need to seal all doors and windows, but you’ll also want to silence those misguided souls (read: "women") who utter phrases like, "Is it over yet?" and, "Why do they jump on each other after every play?" An even more flagrant violation occurs when they ask, "Who’s playing?"midway through the fourth quarter.

5. Do not watch the halftime show if you’re over 50. You may become inspired by Mick Jagger and attempt to gyrate around the living room like a rooster with a spastic colon. This could result in pulled muscles, herniated discs, or your humiliated spouse filing divorce papers.

6. Train Cupcake, your vicious 18-year-old attack Chihuahua, to sniff for bombs. Your guests will greatly appreciate this, unless one happens to be concealing a Milk-Bone in his shorts.

7. Do not allow any strange women wearing veils into your home, unless you’ve arranged to have the halftime entertainment provided by Dial-a-Stripper.

8. If, after the first score, someone yells out "Jihad!" instead of "Touchdown" eject the offender immediately. Or, have the Air Marshal do it, if he’s not too busy disarming your five-year-old.

9. There is no need to fear John Madden. Although he may appear to be a raving lunatic who’s speaking mutant Arabic gibberish, he’s mostly harmless. However, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to turn down the TV sound, especially if some of your guests appear to be "unstable."

10. Do not answer the phone during the game–it’s most likely been wiretapped. If you’ve had a few drinks, you might blurt out something that could peg you as a threat to national security, like, "We’re not gaining any ground this way. I think it’s time to start using the bomb!" Better yet, just don’t answer the phone again. Ever.

It may seem like I’m being overly cautious, but the important thing is to relax and have a good time on Super Sunday. Remember, if your party stinks, the terrorists win.

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