QUE SURI, SURI

by Chris Joseph

As the months pass following the birth of Suri, the child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the mystique surrounding her continues to grow. That’s probably because she’s been harder to spot than Osama bin Laden at the premiere of World Trade Center.

We are left to ponder: Does Suri possess special superpowers? Can she fend off an entire pack of rabid paparazzi with one mighty blow from a chubby little baby fist? Can she make me understand the plot line to any of her dad’s Mission Impossible flicks?

I’m pleased to report that the mystery is over. Through means I cannot divulge for fear of being hunted down and killed–or worse, shackled and forced to read a copy of Dianetics–by a wild-eyed Scientologist, I obtained the first-ever exclusive interview with the elusive cherub. (Put that in your suspenders and snap it, Larry King.)

CJ: Suri Cruise, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

Suri: Actually, I want to be known only as Suri–no last name–just like other legends of show business: Cher... Prince...Gallagher...

CJ: You’re incredibly advanced, considering you’re not even four months old. You can walk, you speak in complete sentences, and you even made an obscene gesture at my photographer, just like a grown-up celebrity.

Suri: You must remember–I come from very special stock. My parents are two of the most beautiful stars in the world. Don’t you read People?

CJ: But that just explains your physical appearance. It doesn’t explain how you’re able to do the New York Times Sunday crossword in under three minutes.

Suri: Child’s play! Not only am I beautiful, I also have highly developed mental capacities. I owe that to adopting my father’s religious beliefs.

CJ: You’re a Scientologist?

Suri: Of course. The Church of Scientology provides the discipline necessary for a successful life. Just look at some of its worshipers–Jerry Seinfeld, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley–although Kirstie does seem to struggle with the discipline part. She needs to lay off the Ho Hos before her butt causes a solar eclipse.

CJ: Scientologists believe in past lives. Since you’re at the beginning of a new life, you must have some memories of your previous ones.

Suri: I can remember being Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile, then Queen Victoria. I even did a brief stint as Princess Diana. And yeah, I admit it–Charles is a jug-eared loser.

CJ: So were you always a member of the privileged class, never a housewife or a nail technician?

Suri: Absolutely. I am Suri, which means "princess" in Hebrew. Who did you think I used to be–June Cleaver?

CJ: Your father has gotten into some hot water recently, for doing things like chastising Brooke Shields for seeking psychiatric help to treat her postpartum depression. Do you think your birth will change him at all?

Suri: No way! As you probably know, Brooke had another baby on the same day I was born, in the same hospital. Dad snuck into her room and confiscated her Paxil.

CJ: Have you made any career plans yet?

Suri: Oh, I plan to be an actor, just like Mom and Dad. I’m already reading scripts, but I haven’t come across anything I like yet. I’d like to do a movie based on the story of the daughter of a couple of flakes and her quest to avoid becoming a nut job. It would be called Mission Impossible 4.

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