STIMULATE ME, BABY

by Chris Joseph

Federal Government
Fools on the Hill Street
Washington, D.C.

May, 2008

Dear Federal Government/Big Kahuna,

I know how busy you must be right now, what with botching an unpopular war, trying to revive an economy that’s lately spent more time in the toilet than a coprophilic plumber, and fretting over who will win the presidential election and/or American Idol. But I just had to tear myself away from my foreclosure proceedings, due to defaulting on my subprime mortgage loan, and write you this note.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my empty gas tank for sending me that economic stimulus check. It is especially meaningful because I know that you really can’t afford it right now since the national debt is higher than the cast of an old Cheech and Chong movie. You probably have Tony Soprano threatening to feed you to the fishes if you don’t pay up.

There are so many ways I could make use of the $600. I could try stave off the aforementioned foreclosure proceedings by doing the unthinkable and paying my mortgage. I could start an education fund for my child so he doesn’t have to look forward to a rewarding career in the custodial arts. And if I act now, I might even be able to fill the gas tank in my SUV/cruise liner before the price goes up again...Well, maybe half a tank, anyway.

But no, doing any of those things would be the epitome of selfishness on my part, since they don’t accomplish what you, Big Kahuna, had in mind when you came up with this wonderful idea, because they do nothing to stimulate the economy. Can you ever forgive me for even thinking such unpatriotic thoughts?

Rather than do anything that might help my own bleak economic picture, I will do what any real American would do: help jumpstart the economy by blowing my check on lots of useless crap that I never even wanted in the first place. In that way, I will be living the American dream by possessing lots of fancy stuff while having to subsist on Ramen noodles and leftover porridge.

I think my first purchase should be a shiny new HDTV that is roughly the size of a box truck. You haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the beauty that is Larry King in all his highly-defined glory.

Then, I’ll get myself one of those neat iPhones so I can perform lots of valuable functions that the average household computer probably can’t do, like sending e-mails and connecting to the Internet. I heard one crazy rumor that the iPhone can even act as a telephone. Maybe I can teach it to answer the door and make cocktails.

Finally, I’ll buy a GPS device for my car so that I won’t have to worry about making a wrong turn when driving to the same places I’ve been driving to for the last 30 years. I do have some reservations about this one, though. It could take away the God-given right of every American male to get lost and drive around aimlessly without stopping for directions, eventually arriving at his destination just before running out of precious fuel.

But don’t worry, Mr. Kahuna, if all this generosity adds up to more than $600, I’ll just do the truly patriotic thing and max out my credit cards. I figure if you can do it, why can’t I?

Yours in poverty,

Joseph A. "Joe" Blow, Ordinary Taxpayer
Everytown, U.S. of A.

P. S. If you ever need a loan, here’s how to find me. I’ll be the one living under a bridge in the HDTV box.

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