MARTHA’S LETTERS FROM THE EDGE

by Chris Joseph

I finally realized it was time for a change in wardrobe when my own eclectic style–known in the finest fashion circles as "Modern Hobo"–started meeting with negative reviews from the female of the species.

So, I did what the typical well-dressed American male does when he needs new threads: I went down to my local Kmart. You remember Kmart–it’s like Wal-Mart without all the cars in the parking lot.

As I rounded a corner in Bath and Bedding I was suddenly met by the angelic face of Martha Stewart, beaming down at me from atop a stack of 100% California cotton 3-star bath towels (in a cornucopia of colors, ranging from celadon to morning glory).

I couldn’t help but wonder what Martha’s life must be like now that she is spending her days making designer license plates. Maybe her letters to the warden will give us some clues...

Dear Warden,

Thanks so much for the warm greeting today, although I thought your staff showed a little too much "enthusiasm" during the strip search.

Let me know when you’re free. I’d like to get together for churros and hot chocolate so we can discuss my decorating and culinary suggestions. We want to make sure that "Camp Cupcake" lives up to its name.

Yours in crimes and misdemeanors (HA-HA!),

Martha Stewart
#55170-054

Dear Warden,

Since you haven’t responded to my first note, I thought I’d drop you another line. I do have a list of grievances I’d like to discuss. First, the food here is, shall we say, "disappointing." Let’s see if we can’t unravel the mystery behind the "mystery meat." And no appetizers? I have a great recipe for squash-leaf canapes that I’d love to prepare, but I’ll need a few things: one large butternut squash; goat cheese; hacksaw (kidding!)

We could also use some arts and crafts. As you know, Halloween is rapidly approaching. How about if we get the gang together and make some spooky pumpkin prints? (There’s plenty of inspiration; you must have half the cast of "Dawn of the Dead" in here already!)

Also, you probably know how much I value my privacy. I must insist on separate living quarters ASAP!

Toodles,

Martha
#55170-054

Dear Warden,

Coming to you live from "The Hole." Thanks for the quick response on that separate quarters thing. It’s a little tight on space in here, though. May I say two words: corner shelves. They’re great for optimizing those nooks and crannies, and wonderful for stowing that hard-to-hide contraband (kidding!)

Unfortunately, the food isn’t any better here. Instead of three-day-old bread, how about a nice bread pudding? (By the way, did you know that bread pudding isn’t really a pudding, but a baked custard? Bet you didn’t!) And I’m sure this water isn’t Evian. I think I see something doing the backstroke.

I’d love to write more, but you only give me 30 minutes of light per day.

Best,

Martha
#551...Oh, you know who I am!

Dear Warden,

Not sure how long I’ve been in here, but I’m to the point where I’ve started naming the rats. I’ve named one after the prosecutor. Another one I named after my broker–that one lies to me a lot. The really fat one I just call "ImClone."

My one wish is that someday I’ll get to stroll through the aisles of my beloved Kmart again...I want nothing more than to wrap myself in a pile of 100% California cotton 3-star bath towels...

Dreaming of quinoa (pronounced KEEN-wah),

Martha


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