THE UGLY AMERICAN SQUIRREL
by Chris Joseph
Northumberland, England, UK–Contrary to the belief that all military hostilities involving the United States and England ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent in 1814, it now appears that the fur continues to fly between the two nations, only this time on British soil.
According to a CBS News report, the population growth of the aggressive, boisterous American gray squirrel in northern England is threatening to overtake the habitat of the indigenous English red squirrel.
The gray squirrel first landed in England a century ago when it was brought from America as a novelty by the Victorian gentry. Since then, with their desire to reproduce enhanced by the availability of cheap English wine and a stash of bootleg Engelbert Humperdinck CDs, their ranks have swelled to an estimated 2.5 million, while the native red squirrel population has dwindled to just a few hundred thousand.
Gray squirrel military commander, Gen. George Washington "Bushy" Tail, said that he and his troops will not rest until the "Redcoats" are banished from the English countryside.
"Let’s just say we’re getting our revenge for the American Revolution," Tail said. "A little known fact about that war is that the British soldiers destroyed our ancestors’ vital nut supplies, claiming they were Acorns of Mass Destruction . Our brave boys tried to fight back by implementing tactics like suddenly darting from the underbrush in an effort to make the Redcoats’ horses swerve into trees, but to no avail.
"It was passed down through the generations that if we ever found our way to England, there would be hell to pay."
Lord Cornwallis Nutt, leader of the red squirrel insurgency group known as the "Red Menace," said they have tried everything to thwart the gray invasion, including importing mercenary squirrels from other nations.
"We tried bringing in some French grays to help us," Nutt said, "but once the nuts started flying in earnest they laid down their tails and surrendered like the bloody yellow blokes that they are. Then we thought of asking the Germans, but we feared they would send in their flying squirrel squadrons and strafe us all night long."
Nutt said that the reds have resorted to planting IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices) inside Chock Full O’ Nuts coffee cans as a way to slow down the invasion, with limited success. However, efforts by humans have killed or trapped about 10,000 gray squirrels, a number that does not seem to phase Tail.
"In an operation this size, there are always going to be casualties," Tail said. "The key is to stay focused. We have much yet to accomplish here. We need to win the hearts and minds of the British people. We will not stop until tea and crumpets are replaced by Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts. And they will learn to drive on the right side of the road, that is, unless a red squirrel happens to be crossing on the left side!"
Meanwhile, Nutt said that while the odds seem stacked against his reds, they will not give up the fight.
"This is our home soil, and we will not just die like so much roadkill," he said. "We will stand on our hind legs and fight, sending those Yankee varmints home with their tails between their legs, just like the Americans did to the Brits over two centuries ago. To quote our late, great leader, Winston "Nutjob" Churchill, ‘If you’re going through hell, keep going.’ Whatever the bloody hell that means."
When told of Nutt’s comments, Tail initially scoffed, then appeared to reconsider.
"I suppose anything’s possible," he said. "I mean, even a red squirrel finds an acorn now and then."
