IN THIS CORNER...THE NEXT FIRST LADY
by Chris Joseph
News flash: John McCain is offering $300 million to anyone who invents a battery capable of powering an automobile.
Comment: McCain plans to raise the money by staging a pay-per-view mud wrestling match between his wife Cindy and Michelle Obama in a Las Vegas brothel, called Spouseamania I: Cat Fight in the Cat House.
News flash: Price is Right host Drew Carey is having 45 pizzas delivered to him in Los Angeles from a pizzeria in his native Cleveland.
Comment: The pies will never make it because the delivery guy’s ’74 Pinto will break down somewhere in the middle of Nebraska, where he’ll be accosted by a pack of ravenous prairie dogs with a pepperoni addiction.
News flash: In Jacksonville, a 54-year-old man named John Constantin shot 18-year-old David Mitchell because he was offended by Mitchell’s low-hanging pants.
Comment: It turns out that Constantin is a founding member of the “High Pants Boys,” a cult of middle-aged nerd worshipers who walk around with pocket protectors and their pants hiked up under their armpits.
News flash: The commissioner overseeing Britney Spears’ child custody hearings granted her permission to have overnight visits with her two sons, aged 2 ½ and 1 ½.
Comment: Britney will quickly relinquish her visitation rights when she realizes she can’t get her kids into nightclubs, even with fake IDs.
News flash: Comic legend George Carlin died at 71, just over a week after the death of longtime Meet the Press moderator Tim Russert.
Comment: Carlin will be permanently banished to Hades after he breaks into his first posthumous riff, “The Seven Words You Can’t Say in Heaven”on Russert's new reality TV show, Meet Your Maker.
News flash: American Airlines is testing in-flight Internet access on selected transcontinental flights.
Comment: American will stop serving food on all flights after a sky marshal catches a passenger downloading a self-help video, “How to Hijack a Jet for Fun and Profit,” which includes step-by-step instructions on how to overpower the pilot while armed with only an airline fish stick.
News flash: In England, viewer protest led the Heinz Co. to pull a televison ad for its Deli Mayo that shows two men kissing.
Comment: Heinz could make a killing in San Francisco if it ever decides to market a line of same-sex condiments.
News flash: President Bush announced plans to lift economic sanctions against North Korea since Pyongyang has agreed to turn over an accounting of its nuclear activities.
Comment: North Korea will back out of the deal when Kim Jong-Il becomes offended after Bush mispronounces “nuclear” as “nuculer,” which when translated into Korean apparently means “four-eyed weasel face.”
News flash: Soaring gas prices have resulted in the creation of a group of traffic-snarling motorists called “hypermilers,” who get up to 100 miles per gallon by driving well below posted speed limits and coasting for blocks with the engine turned off.
Comment: This has potential tragedy written all over it. I can envision the following incidents occurring: a group of distraught mourners pummeling a motorist for holding up their funeral procession; a driver being dragged from his car and cane-whipped after being overtaken by an enraged senior citizen on a Rascal; and the onset of a new strain of roadkill where slow-moving automobiles are flattened by speeding possums.
News flash: Barack Obama donated $2,300 to Hillary Clinton to help her pay off her $20 million campaign debt.
Comment: To raise the remaining $19 million-plus, Hillary has agreed to take on the winner of the Cindy McCain-Michelle Obama mud wrestling match, in a pay-per-view event called Spouseamania II: Fear the Pantsuit.”
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