TAINTED SPINACH FELLS BIN LADEN

by Chris Joseph

Here’s a news item that may not have made your morning paper...

Chaman, Pakistan

According to a Pakistani CIA informant, known only as "Vegan Virk" to protect his true identity, a CIA operative slipped the lethal vegetable into the salad bar at an Arby’s in the city of Chaman, located on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.

Vegan Virk said that the female operative, dressed in a full face veil and an "I Hate Bush" T-shirt to avoid suspicion, entered the restaurant at the conclusion of the lunch rush and planted the spinach.

"We’ve known of bin Laden’s weakness for spinach for sometime," Virk said. "Spinach casseroles, spinach pies, a spinach salad with a light bacon vinaigrette dressing...he was like Bubba Gump with shrimp. Our sources told us that he even prayed to a statue of Popeye seven times a day while chanting, ‘I’m Popeye the sailor man.’

"Then, this E. Coli outbreak happened in the States, and a lightbulb went off. We knew that this was the only Arby’s with a salad bar for miles, so he had to show up eventually."

Virk said the outbreak of spinach poisoning in America couldn’t have come at a better time.

"We’ve been after that SOB for five years now," he said. "We’ve tried everything: bombs, air strikes; we even toyed with the idea of sending in a suicide pizza delivery guy with an extra large pie packed with exploding sausage. Unfortunately, that plan was thwarted when we discovered that Domino’s doesn’t deliver to Pakistani caves."

Virk added that bin Laden was "rolling in spinach" for several months after the September 11 terrorist attacks, obtaining it through Taliban supply lines. But with the Taliban’s reduction in strength over the past few years, the al-Quaida leader had to find other sources. "We’re not completely sure, but we think he was getting it through the Black Market.

"We also knew that we had to get him with fresh spinach, since he despised frozen or canned. In fact, our intelligence indicated that he was planning an attack on the Jolly Green Giant, whom he referred to as ‘The Green Satan,’ by dropping anthrax on him from cropduster planes. We ascertained that pilots were training at American flight schools for this purpose."

Virk would not provide more specific details of bin Laden’s death, saying that a complete report would be forthcoming.

"Let’s just say, there’s one less Arby’s customer in the world," he said.

The Director of the CIA, Gen. Michael V. Hayden would not confirm reports of bin Laden’s demise.

"I really can’t say either way," Hayden said at a press conference earlier today. "I will say that we’ve been exploring all means at our disposal to get bin Laden, be it spinach, poison mushrooms, or tainted condiments. If something he consumes happens to give him a bellyache, and that bellyache leads to his downfall, so be it."

President George W. Bush said he was unaware of bin Laden’s possible death.

"Nope, haven’t heard a thing," Bush said just before boarding Marine One. "As far as I know, he’s still frolickin’ somewhere in the mountains over in Afghanistan. That lucky duck; he don’t have to work for a livin’ like me."

When asked of his destination, the president said, "I just got a call from Hugo Chavez. He said he was sorry for calling me 'the devil' the other day, and he’s invited me for a spinach salad at Arby’s."

Comments?  Contact Chris


To subscribe for FREE  Click here