HAVEN’T THEY HEARD OF SPELL CHECKER?
by Chris Joseph
Welcome to the final round of the 81st annual Scripps National Spelling Bee, where contestants agonize over the spelling of words that no normal person has ever heard of, and have never been used in an actual sentence.
Our first finalist is Nedra Nerdley from Einstein, Kansas, who at the tender age of nine has already received her Master’s degree in Obscure and Irrelevant Sciences from Megabrain University. Nedra’s hobbies include cloning Fluffy, the family cat, and splitting atoms while still in her jammies.
Our second finalist is George W. Bush, President of the United States. George’s hobbies include reading vintage comic books and imitating flatulence sounds by putting his hand inside his shirt and flapping his arm during Cabinet meetings.
Let’s pick up the action as Nedra approaches the microphone,,,
Pronouncer: The word is "oleocellosis."
Nedra: Are you for real? I thought this final round was supposed to be hard. Okay, "oleocellosis": o-l-e-o-c-e-l-l-o-s-i-s.
Pronouncer: Correct...Mr. President, your word is "spot."
Bush: Dang! Why do I get all the hard ones? Can you use it in a sentence?
Pronouncer: Dick and Jane watched Spot run up the hill.
Bush: That’s not much help. Okay, "spot": s-p-...Ow! My head is starting to hurt...s-p-o-t.
Pronouncer: Correct. For a second there, I thought we were going to have to call the paramedics.
Nedra: "Paramedics": p-a-r-a-
Pronouncer: I’m sorry, Nedra, but that’s not your word.
Nedra: I’m bored. Can I go home now?
Pronouncer: Your word is "pyelonephritis."
Nedra: Excuse me while I stifle a yawn. "Pyelonephritis": p-y-e-l-o-n-e-p-h-r-i-t-i-s. Would you like me to spell it backwards?
Pronouncer: That won’t be necessary. Mr. President, your next word is "insurgency."
Bush: I don’t think I’ve ever heard that one before. Can you use it in a sentence?
Pronouncer: The American forces faced unexpected difficulty because the president did not anticipate the Iraqi insurgency.
Bush: Nope, still no bells clanging in my head. Can I buy a vowel?
Pronouncer: No, you may not.
Bush: How about if I phone a friend? I’ll call Cheney–he knows a lot of them fancy elongitudinal words.
Pronouncer: I’m afraid you have the wrong game, Mr. President. Please spell the word.
Bush: This is tougher than McCain’s iguana-like hide. Let’s see, "emergency."
Pronouncer: No, not "emergency." The word is "insurgency!"
Bush: All right, no need to get testicly. I’ll take a wild stab in the groin–"i-n-s-u-r-g-e-n-c-y."
Pronouncer: Absolutely brilliant. You have a bright future as a linguist when you leave office.
Bush: Thanks a bunch. I’ve always been fond of Italian food.
Pronouncer: Nedra, your next word is "opthalmoplegia."
Nedra: "Opthalmoplegia": o-p-t-h-a-l-m-o-p-l-e-g-i-a. Can I go now? I have atoms to split.
Pronouncer: Mr. President, the word is "disaster."
Bush: Can you use it in a sentence?
Pronouncer: The president’s failed policies and lack of leadership turned the nation into a disaster area.
Bush: Shoot, I know all about that. "Disaster": d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r.
Pronouncer: Nedra, your next word is "phrenicetomy."
Nedra: "Phrenicetomy": p-h-r-e-n-i-c-e-t-o-m-y.
Pronouncer: Correct. Mr. Bush, your next word is "dolt."
Bush: Can you give me the defamation?
Pronouncer: I think you mean "definition." A dolt is an imbecile; a stupid fellow.
Bush: M-c-c-l-e-l-l-a-n.
Pronouncer: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Nedra, if you spell this word correctly, you’ll be the new champion. The word is "ptarmic."
Nedra: "Ptarmic": p-t-a-r-m-i-c.
Pronouncer: Correct. Congatulations, Nedra Nerdley. You’re the winner of the 81st Annual Scripps National Spelling Bee!
Nedra: Cool! I’m going to Disney World! I’m gonna clone Mickey Mouse!
Bush: Dang! I can’t believe I lost, after all the time I spend readin’ important documents with big words. Speakin’ of which, has anybody seen my 1939 Captain Marvel?
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