Q. I’ve invited my new girlfriend over for dinner, and I’d really like to impress her so I’m baking a Spam casserole. What type of wine should I serve, red or white?
A. Don’t think red or white, think "screw-on." Serving one of those fancy corked wines with Spam is like putting chrome wheels on a garbage truck. A cheap, fruity Thunderbird, vintage 2007 (preferably April) is your best bet. An added benefit is that if you get your girlfriend liquored up enough, she might not realize what you’ve fed her. Until the next morning, anyway.
Q. Is it true that Spam comes from the shoulder of the pig?
A. Actually, Spam comes from many areas of the pig, like the cloven hoof, the snout, and bits of tail thrown in for added flavor. While this may sound somewhat disgusting to the average person, these precious pig parts are considered delicacies in many Third World countries. Like, say, New Jersey.
Q. I’ve often been told that I "eat like a pig." Do you think it’s because of a subconscious craving for Spam?
A. No, it’s probably because you truly eat like a pig. Helpful hint: It is not acceptable to belch loudly after a Spam dinner, then turn to the cook and announce, "Boy, they sure didn’t have grub like that in prison!" My guess is that they did.
Q. Is it true that Spam was the favorite food of American troops in World War II?
A. Yes, but not because they liked to eat it. An obscure fact is that Spam proved to be a lethal weapon during the war. When American mortar crews ran out of ammunition, they substituted cans of Spam, with excellent results. On many occasions, as little blue "shells" rained down upon them, German soldiers could be heard to yell, "Incoming! Rock hard meat-like substance! Take cover! Schnell!" I’ve even heard rumors that Harry Truman briefly considered dropping cans of Spam on Hiroshima, but decided the atomic bomb would be more humane.
Q. What does Spam really stand for? I’ve always heard it’s "Shoulder of Pork and Ham."
A. Spam stands for "Stomach Pumps Are Mandatory," due to the surgeon general once allegedly considering ordering the following warning label placed on every can: "This product is not meant to be consumed by humans, especially if a member of the active military or when trying to impress a new girlfriend. May cause projectile vomiting, crippling diarrhea, or the sudden urge to eat from a trough while making disgusting animal sounds. Product is safe to be used as a Weapon of Mass Destruction."
Q. I’ve tried Spam on several occasions, but I just can’t develop a taste for it. Is there any appetizing way to prepare it?
A. Let’s face it, Spam isn’t for everyone. To paraphrase Harry Truman, if you can’t stand Spam, get out of the kitchen.
