HOW TO BE A $35 MILLION SPACE CADET

by Chris Joseph

As someone who is often accused of being lost in space, I was intrigued to discover that the average citizen can now take a stroll "out where the buses don’t run."

A company called Space Adventures Ltd., in conjunction with the Russian space program, is willing to provide the opportunity for paying customers to become real cosmonauts (see Gagarin, Yuri). And here’s the good news: it only costs $35 million!

So how do you go about joining the program? Simple. First, get $35 million. For argument’s sake, we’ll assume you already have the money, or else have a can’t-miss securities fraud scheme already in place (see Lay, Kenneth).

Then, you must complete a grueling six-month training program, which likely consists of the following: frequent projectile vomiting after getting tossed around like a rag doll in the flight simulator; developing a fondness for Tang to the point where you’re even mixing it with vodka, and learning that, unlike a personal computer, in-flight technical problems cannot be dealt with by shouting a string of obscenities and striking the control panel with a Louisville Slugger (see Joseph, Chris).

But before you plunk down your hard-earned (or carefully-swindled) money, how can you be sure you have what it takes to endure an eight-day stay on an international space station and a 90-minute stroll amongst the stars? Take the following quiz and find out.

1. Thirty minutes into your spacewalk you discover the urge to "eliminate" that extra glass of Tang you had for breakfast. Should you:

a. Bite the bullet and wait another hour until the walk is over.

b. Give in to the forces of nature, with the idea that for $35 million, they sure as hell better have packed you an extra spacesuit.

c. Detach your vital lifeline and attempt to relieve yourself behind the nearest meteor.

2. During liftoff, you become uncomfortable due to an increase in cabin temperature. Should you:

a. Ask a more experienced cosmonaut for advice.

b. Radio the command center to see if there’s a way to "crank up the A/C."

c. Open the nearest escape hatch to let in some fresh air.

3. You become bored during some downtime on the space station. The best thing to do is to:

a. Carefully review all procedures to make sure you’re prepared for any potential emergency.

b. Get caught up on those back issues of Maxim you brought along.

c. Play a prank on the other cosmonauts by secretly tying their bootlaces together while they nap, then getting on the intercom and yelling, "Incoming! Asteroid! All hands on deck!"

4. During the interview process, you find out that you might get to meet Buzz Aldrin. You’re excited because:

a. It would be an honor to meet the second man to walk on the moon.

b. You’d get to see a real live spaceman, even if it isn’t Al Gore.

c. Even though you’re not sure who he is, you figure anybody named Buzz can get you the "right stuff" to put you into orbit.

5. The term "Sputnik" refers to:

a. A Soviet space satellite program of the 1950's.

b. The brand of vodka favored by Russian cosmonauts.

c. The sound you make while spitting out your first bite of freeze-dried Salisbury steak.

If you answered "a" to most of these questions, you’re the perfect candidate for space travel. If you mainly answered "b," you have some work to do before risking your life beyond the heavens. If your most prominent answer was "c," you’re better off engaging in a more suitable venture. Like, maybe, securities fraud.

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