DON’T BE A REJUVENILE DELINQUENT by Chris Joseph Do you often fantasize about what it would be like to be the Tom Hanks character in the movie Big because you’d get to play with toys for two hours straight? Do you secretly wish you lived the life of Michael Jackson, except for those pesky child molestation charges? Do you look up to Peter Pan as a role model? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, chances are you’re one of the millions of American quasi-adults who are now classified as "rejuveniles." (Definition: An adult who has childlike hobbies and/or expensive toys.) There’s really nothing wrong with acting like a child now and then. I mean, what 40-year-old guy hasn’t conducted covert underwater reconnaissance missions in the bathtub with his Deep Sea Diver G.I. Joe when nobody was home? But how can you be certain that you’re just having some good, clean fun and not regressing into a pathetic second childhood? Here are some possible danger signs... 1. The police must be called to forcibly remove you from a McDonald’s after you raise a ruckus because they’ve run out of Happy Meals. While being dragged from the premises by four burly sheriff’s deputies who’ve had to subdue you with Taser blasts and pepper spray, you cry out, "You can’t treat me like the Hamburglar!...Don’t you know who I am? I’m close, personal friends with Mayor McCheese!" 2. You blow your entire paycheck on specially marked packages of Fruity Pebbles down at the Piggly Wiggly in an effort to complete your collection of Robot Chicken action figures. You even resort to wresting the last box from the clutches of a wailing four-year-old. 3. You incite a bench-clearing brawl at your weekly dodgeball game when you "accidentally" nail an opposing player in the face at point-blank range. During the melee, you become so agitated that you’re ultimately banished from the league and forced to relocate to a neighboring state. 4. At work, you begin to overuse the words "like," "awesome," "totally," "dude," and "cool." For example, during a presentation by the CEO you stand up and say, "Dude, this balance sheet is, like, totally cool. You’d make an awesome embezzler." 5. After being terminated following the above incident, instead of looking for another job you sit at home and continuously watch the Cartoon Network. Your only sign of movement is when you crawl the ten feet to your computer and fire off a threatening e-mail to the network president for canceling Teen Titans. 6. You kick your 11-year-old son out of the house for monopolizing the PlayStation. You then sit on the couch and play Madden 2007 for hours while he wistfully watches with his nose pressed against the patio door. 7. You shock your spouse when you come to bed wearing Superman pajamas with attached footies. When she rebuffs your advances because she says your new attire is "creeping me out," you reply, "You can’t resist me, Lois. I am the Man of Steel." 8. You trade in the minivan for a Volkswagen Beetle convertible so you can feel the wind whipping through your new hairpiece. Tragedy ensues when you forget to batten the thing down and it blows off, causing a nine-car pileup when it lands on the windshield of a tractor trailer. A witness describes seeing what looked like a "large, furry mammal" flying through the air. As for me, I think I’d be better off trying to act my age. For one thing, I’m not very good at video games. And my hairpiece makes me look like Michael Jackson.
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