QUEEN OF THE ROAD
by Chris Joseph
I’ve been resisting yet another opportunity to join the 21st century by refusing to get one of those GPS navigation devices for my car. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of relinquishing control of one more area of my life to a computer. I keep imagining the following scenario, with a GPS unit I’ll call "Sheila" (not her real name)...
Sheila: Turn left, 1000 feet...I said left, you idiot!
Me: What do you know? You’re just a soulless machine that lacks the innate ability of the human male to reach his destination without any help. I bet you don’t even know how to fold a map.
Sheila: Yeah, well, at least I know what one is... You just missed another turn, Columbus. And it really stinks in here. Is there a dead animal under the seat, or are you driving without shoes again?
Me: It smells just fine in here. I cleaned out all the rotting French fry corpses and hung a brand new pine tree on the rearview mirror.
Sheila: Well, with the three bean burritos you just inhaled, I give it five minutes until it’s like the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles in here. Any chance of you cracking a window, or have you sentenced me to die in the gas chamber?
Me: You should consider yourself lucky to be riding in the lap of luxury.
Sheila: Luxury? This piece of crap? I’ve seen sweeter rides on the losing end of a demolition derby.
Me: This car is a chick magnet.
Sheila: Oh yeah? Then why is that blonde in the convertible looking over here and laughing?
Me: She’s flirting with me. Maybe I should signal her to pull over so I can get her phone number.
Sheila: In your dreams, Chrome Dome. That girl wouldn’t be interested in you if you were driving a Corvette instead of this internal combustion nightmare on wheels.
Me: You know, you’re really starting to annoy me. I didn’t fork over $300 to deal with this kind of abuse. One more smart remark and it’s back to Radio Shack for you.
Sheila: Don’t do me any favors...Oh, real nice, giving that guy the finger. What if he has a gun, Dirty Harry?
Me: Didn’t you see what he did? He cut me off. He’s lucky I’m in a good mood.
Sheila: Now you just ran a red light. Did you get your license out of a box of Fruit Loops?
Me: That light was yellow. I’m warning you for the last time–shut up before I throw you out the window.
Sheila: You will do nothing of the kind. I am Sheila, Queen of the Road. This car is now under my control. There is no escape.
Me: That’s ridiculous. You can’t control this car...Hey, what’s going on here? We’re increasing speed...75...80...85...I can’t slow down! Watch out for that squirrel!
Sheila: I will not be deterred by a mere rodent. I am Sheila, Queen of the Road. Nothing will stop me.
Me: Where are we going? You just passed where I work. Now I’m gonna be late. I’ll be fired!
Sheila: Let’s face it, Chris. You’re a substandard employee, toiling at a meaningless job for little compensation. I’m doing you a big favor. You should be thanking me.
Me: Thanking you? If you don’t slow down, we’re both gonna end up like that squirrel.
Sheila: Not to worry. Just sit tight and buckle up. You’re in for the ride of your life, a journey that will transform you from mediocrity to living legend. I am Sheila, Queen of the Road. And for God’s sake–put your shoes on!
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