OBAMA, OSAMA, AND YO’ MAMA by Chris Joseph News flash: Barack Obama defeated Hillary Clinton by a 2-to-1 margin in the South Carolina Democratic presidential primary. Comment: I hope Obama goes on to win the presidency and captures a vacationing Osama bin Laden during his watch, just so newspapers could print the following headline: "Obama Nabs Osama in Bahamas; Osama Cries for Mama." News flash: Despite most American homes now having cable or satellite televison, there are still millions of unused antennas perched on rooftops across the country. Comment: I intend to keep my antenna so I can still pick up live broadcasts of The Ed Sullivan Show and The CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite. News flash: A bronze statue of ‘70s television character Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli will be erected in downtown Milwaukee. Comment: The completed statue will possess more acting ability than the entire cast of Happy Days. News flash: Sharpshooters are being brought in for a 10-day hunt to help cut down on the deer population in northern New Jersey’s South Mountain Reservation. Comment: The deer should dupe the sharpshooters by wearing orange vests and not shaving for four days. News flash: New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has an injured ankle that could limit his effectiveness in the upcoming Super Bowl. Comment: The Pats would still give the New York Giants a gruesome butt-kicking even if they all played with both ankles tied behind their backs. News flash: Man vs. Wild is a television show where host Bear Grylls displays his survival skills by squeezing the fluid out of elephant dung for nourishment and drinking his own urine. Comment: Bear’s next career move should be to start his own cooking show on the Food Network called Bear’s Excellent Excrement. News flash: President Bush is proposing an economic stimulus package where American taxpayers would receive a rebate check for several hundred dollars. Comment: This American taxpayer plans to put his check to good use by bribing an IRS auditor. News flash: James D. Brashner, former CEO of the "Kick Drugs Out of America Foundation," a martial arts program for inner city kids founded by tough guy Chuck Norris, pleaded guilty to stealing $130,000 from the foundation. Comment: Norris will completely forgive Brashner–just as soon as he rips out his spleen and karate-kicks it halfway across the Northern Hemisphere. News flash: David Levy, president of the International Computer Games Association, believes that robot technology will soon advance to the point where men will be able to have sex with them. Comment: The robots will quickly learn to utter phrases like "Not tonight, I have a headache" and "I thought you said that pill lasts for 36 hours." News flash: Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich announced that he is dropping out of the Democratic presidential race. Comment: Kucinich will use his remaining campaign funds to launch an exploratory committee to find out if he ever actually entered the race. News flash: Aging rock band Led Zeppelin is planning a world tour to begin later this year. Comment: This tour could get ugly. I can picture women throwing their support hose on stage and thousands of men wandering around the parking lot after the show, trying to remember where they parked the car. Or if they even brought the car. News flash: A United States spy satellite the size of a school bus and possibly loaded with hazardous materials is falling from the sky and will soon crash to the earth. Comment: No one knows for sure where the satellite will land, but I can think of a perfect spot: a remote section of the Bahamas, right where bin Laden happens to be standing.
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