GAS TOO EXPENSIVE? JUST SAY NEIGH
by Chris Joseph
If you’re like me, you’re probably getting sick and tired of having to take out a home equity loan just to fill up your gas tank. (If you’re like me, you also like to scare the hell out of trick-or-treaters by answering the door wearing a jockstrap, stained wife-beater, and a Richard Nixon mask. But that’s another story.)
But what alternatives do we really have? The electric car is still in our distant future, and the best we can do in the meantime is something called a hybrid, which I think is Greek for “battery-powered shoebox.”
I believe we need to hark back to a simpler time and take a page from those romantic, carefree days of the Old West, when men were men and the women said, “Boy, those guys sure do smell. Will somebody please invent the Speed Stick?” Yes, it’s time to revisit our four-legged friend, the horse.
So what would a world be like without traffic jams and senior citizens driving 45 miles per hour down the left lane of the interstate with the blinker on? Here’s a brief glimpse into how things could change if we immediately began the transition to horsepower...
July-In Watts, a gallop-by shooting is thwarted when a member of the Crips, Wyatt “Arf Dawg” Earp lassos a member of the Bloods, Ike “Smoove Daddy” Clanton, yanking him from the saddle of Trigger Happy, his trusty steed. Smoove Daddy manages to escape, but exclaims, “See you at noon at the O.K. Corral, Dawg!” while staggering into a nearby saloon/crack house. When the gangs realize there is no O.K. Corral in East Los Angeles, the rumble site is changed to midnight behind a 7-Eleven in Compton.
August-The Ford Motor Company announces plans to replace its faltering line of Mustang cars with real mustang horses, apparently preserving the jobs of 40,000 workers. Unfortunately, the good news is short-lived when it is discovered that the horses come fully assembled and require no human labor whatsoever.
September-In Tulsa, an accident scene becomes potentially deadly when two riders involved in a tail-bender decide to settle things with an old-fashioned duel. The incident ends without bloodshed when both riders step off 10 paces, turn to fire, and realize that instead of six-shooters, they are brandishing Razr phones.
October-In Cleveland, the first run of the 21st-century version of the Pony Express is interrupted by an attempted horsejacking at a downtown intersection. A disgruntled former letter carrier is arrested at the scene, and while being led away in handcuffs calls out to his victim, “Let’s see you do sleet and hail on that flea-bitten nag!”
November-As a way of preparing for life after office, President Bush unveils plans to convert his Crawford, Texas ranch into a used horse dealership. At a White House news conference, Mr. Bush talks about the potential for success of his new enterprise. “I expect it to be as successful as any venture I engaged in before I went into politics,” he says. “Which means in six months I’ll be working as a greeter at a Wal-Mart in Waco.”
December-In what becomes known as “The Million Mile Drive,” the top executives of all the major oil companies tour the country in an aging Lincoln Town Car to bring attention to the rapid demise of their industry. Upon reaching their ultimate destination, Washington, D.C., they run out of gas while approaching Capitol Hill. When a mounted Capitol police officer admonishes them for blocking the roadway, one of the executive replies, “Let’s see you try to keep filling this beast’s tank at 12 bucks a gallon...Got any extra horses we can borrow?”
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