MEMO FROM A MOOSE
by Chris Joseph
To: The Human Race, U.S. of A.
Fr: Maurice “Bull” Moose, Kodiak, Alaska (for now)
Sub: Thanks for Nothing
American People,
As a lifelong member of the moose species here in Alaska, I am writing to express our huge disappointment at the result of your recent presidential election.
Source: Flickr.com-Elaine Viqneault
Don’t misunderstand me–we have no problem with your selection of Barack Obama. I’m sure he’ll be a fine leader and will guide you successfully through your current financial crisis, although I must point out that if you could’ve avoided the trap of easy credit like us moose, you wouldn’t be in the mess you’re in.
Rather, we are dismayed because the defeat of the Republican party means that our esteemed governor, Sarah Palin, will be returning to run our great state. This unfortunate turn of events can only mean doom for my antlered brethren.
As you are well aware, Ms. Palin enjoys nothing better than to spend her free time venturing into our habitat to hunt us down like wild animals. (Which we are not, by the way. Despite our intimidating size and impressive racks, we are actually quite intelligent and civilized, not the bungling imbeciles portrayed in your “Rocky and Bullwinkle” cartoons. But I digress.)
Yes, it can only be a matter of time until that ruthless, well-coiffed assassin will once again be blazing away at us with all her NRA-inspired fury. And to make matters worse, she doesn’t fight fair by stealthily tracking us on foot. Instead, she patrols the skies in that monstrous flying machine and guns us down from above like proverbial fish in a barrel. That’s just messed up.
Another concern is that since Ms. Palin no longer has access to her $150,000 clothing allowance, her incentive to slaughter us will only increase. After all, with the rapidity at which her family is growing, she may need our massive pelts to clothe them all. You can’t buy 100 percent genuine moose overcoats off the rack (no pun intended) at Nordstrom, you know.
We also hear that Ms. Palin intends to drill for resources on our North Slope. I have family there! Pretty soon, there will be no place left for us to go. We may have to evacuate to Russia, which despite what the governor has previously indicated, is very far away. (Note to Sarah: Russia is a country, not a continent. I know you get those confused sometimes.)
All we heard from you people during the campaign was how you want change, change, change. Well, guess what? We moose sure as hell want change, too. Change from having a bespectacled Barbie doll gunning us down like we were extras in a Steven Seagal flick. Change from having my best friends’ lifeless heads staring glassy-eyed at nothing from above the mantle in the governor’s mansion, among other places. Now, the only change we’ll get is having to constantly change our mailing addresses to avoid Shootin’ Sarah.
I say it’s time for us moose (by the way, the plural of “moose” is not “mooses,” as many of you say. Maybe Obama needs to make education his first priority) to fight back against our certain extinction. You Alaskans better take caution. You might soon be seeing the “Moose on the Loose 2009 Tour” coming to an igloo near you, and we won’t be stopping by just to “shoot the bull.”
And to you, Governor Palin, you better hope that the crook Ted Stevens gets booted out of the Senate and they send you to Washington in his place. Otherwise, there could be a fleet of hovering helicopters in your future, if you catch my drift.
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