MONOPOLIZING THE HERE AND NOW by Chris Joseph It can only be a matter of time until we see Chevrolet Free Parking or the IRS Luxury Tax. With the introduction of Monopoly Here and Now, players of the classic Parker Brothers board game can now select from five branded tokens: McDonald’s French fries, a Motorola Razr phone, a New Balance sneaker, a Toyota Prius, and a cup of Starbucks coffee, . There are also three new unbranded tokens, including a laptop computer, a Labradoodle, which is a dog-like beast that looks like a cross between a golden retriever and a wet mop, and a jet airplane. (I’ve yet to confirm rumors that the start of each game is now delayed for 90 minutes while the TSA examines tiny toothpaste tubes for explosives.) Some other significant changes: instead of collecting $200 for passing Go, a player now gets $2 million (probably sponsored by Chase Bank), and the railroad board spaces have been replaced by four airports, each vying to be the first to inadvertently reroute your luggage to Walla Walla. I can only wonder what the late Charles Darrow, the unemployed salesman who is credited with developing Monopoly during the Great Depression, might have thought of the upgrade. Here’s how an interview might go... CJ: Mr. Darrow, can you tell me what you think of the new tokens in Monopoly Here and Now, the 21st century version of the game you developed? Darrow: That heavy thud you just heard is the sound of me turning over in my grave. All I can say is I’m glad I didn’t live to see the day where people would be playing my game with greased potato products and dogs that look like Brillo pads. And what the hell is a Razr phone? Do I talk to it while I’m shaving? CJ: The money has also increased greatly. How do you feel about a player collecting $2 million for passing Go? Darrow: I can’t believe someone gets $2 million just for getting around the board. In my day, we got $200 and liked it. There was a Depression on, you know. Two hundred clams could get you a vat of soup and the deluxe suite in Hooverville...Now, it’s all about money. I bet today’s players even have agents and six-figure endorsement deals. CJ: Were you also aware that the new version costs around $30? Darrow: Hell, that’s more than the rent on Pennsylvania Avenue! For that kind of dough I could crash under a bridge on the B & O Railroad with a high-class hooker and a bottle of Ripple. CJ: There are some things that haven’t changed. You can still get sent to jail, for example. Darrow: Yeah, well, with the way the criminal justice system is these days, it won’t matter. Some fancy lawyer will plea-bargain it down to a misdemeanor. You won’t even need your Get Out of Jail Free card. You probably get to pass Go and collect your two hundred–I mean, two million dollars. CJ: Some of the new tokens may not be all bad. The Toyota Prius is a hybrid, which are known to be environmentally friendly. Darrow: What the hell is a hybrid? Is that one of those guys you see prancing around Park Place dressed up like broads? CJ: No, a hybrid is an automobile that runs partially on electricity. That’s important these days, since gasoline is nearly three dollars a gallon. Darrow: Three dollars? In my day, that could buy you thirty cups of coffee. CJ: It could still buy you at least one cup...as long as you don’t get it at Starbucks.
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