THE MISSILES OF OCTOBER: PART DEUX by Chris Joseph This whole thing about North Korea testing nuclear weapons really scares me, especially since its whacko leader, Kim Jong-Il, is the one with the finger (no doubt his middle finger) on the button. That’s kind of like giving Rep. Mark Foley (R-Pervert) a lifetime pass to Neverland Ranch. We can at least take comfort in knowing that the initial test appears to have been a dud, indicating that the North Koreans may not yet possess the technology to pose a real threat. But that doesn’t mean Kim will stop trying, which could lead to an interesting turn of events... October 17-After having trouble launching a follow-up missile, North Korean rocket scientist Kim Bang Boom contacts the manufacturer, the Acme Missile Company of Detroit, and is eventually transferred to the technical support call center in Bombay, India. After being placed on hold for over 90 minutes, Kim finally reaches a technician. Unfortunately, the problem can’t be resolved since the tech speaks no Korean, only indecipherable English. October 23-Following two days of travel and another four days attempting to gain entrance into North Korea without being jailed or shot, Acme missile technician Wile E. Coyote arrives at the launch site. Repairs progress well until Coyote lights the fuse just as the Road Runner speeds by and utters a loud "BEEP BEEP." A startled Coyote jumps onto the missile as it takes off, causing it to careen off course and crash at the bottom of a canyon, where Coyote and his new ride disappear in a puff of wispy smoke. October 24-In a speech in Pyongyang, Kim Jong-Il condemns the Acme Missile Company, calling its executives "incompetent sissies" while threatening to launch a nuclear strike against it. For good measure, Kim, who is a big fan of Western pop culture and reportedly learned about his country’s history from reruns of M*A*S*H, calls George W. Bush "ferret face." October 26-Kim contacts Cuban leader Fidel Castro about placing a missile in his country to aim at the United States. Castro, ill with terminal cancer and hopped up on painkillers, replies, "Be my guest. I’d love to take out JFK before I die." The plan is scrapped when Castro becomes coherent enough to realize that Kim’s plan to have the missile delivered to Cuba by launching it from the Korean peninsula probably isn’t such a hot idea. October 28-President Bush responds to the "ferret face" remark by calling Kim a "four-eyed weasel." Bush adds that if Kim doesn’t stop firing nukes, he won’t be invited to the White House to play Risk anymore. October 29-Another launch goes awry when the missile’s sensors mistake a flock of Canadian geese for a Raptor fighter jet, causing it to fire inadvertently. Kim then declares war on Canada, wild geese, and all non-indigenous species of air and water fowl, threatening to obliterate them with a nuclear strike. The National Audubon Society condemns Kim, calling him a "birdbrain." The Canadians offer no response since it’s hockey season and they really can’t be bothered. October 30-A frustrated Kim turns to Mexico for support, promising not to shoot any Mexicans who immigrate to North Korea. He figures he can use the cheap labor to build his missiles and hopes the Mexicans will think "nuclear" means a fiery salsa that’s great on gorditas. October 31-President Bush thanks Kim for solving the United States’ illegal immigration problem and offers his country’s nuclear expertise. Kim accepts the offer and promises to use the knowledge to promote world peace. Just as soon as he’s done invading South Korea.
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