SO LONG, LONGEVITY
by Chris Joseph
The other day, as I was surfing through the TV channels and scarfing down pork rinds by the gross, absently wondering if it would be better just to end it all right then by injecting pure cholesterol into my veins, I came across a show about living to the ripe old age of 100.
The program provided a link to a website, www.livingto100.com where you can calculate your life expectancy by answering questions about diet, exercise, smoking, and family history.
I decided to torture myself by logging on and completing the calculator, and here’s what I discovered: I died three years ago from a massive coronary, collapsing face first into a bowl of pork rinds.
Actually, the results indicated that, assuming I don’t get hit by a bus or am mistaken for a jelly doughnut by Kirstie Alley, I should live to 86. And with a few simple lifestyle changes, like totally reinventing my diet and occasionally rolling off the sofa, I could make it to 100.
Which scared the hell out of me.
I concocted this image of me as a 94-year-old. There I am, sitting on a park bench with rivulets of drool running down my chin, wearing a rumpled trench coat with nothing underneath, exposing my family ancestry for the world to see. (No, wait, that actually happened yesterday.) I wasn’t even capable of feeding the pigeons. In fact, they were feeding me.
I realize that with the advances of modern science, some of the miseries of growing old can be alleviated. By injecting Botox you can make your face as smooth as a baby’s butt, although your skin probably becomes so tight that moving your jaw is impossible, which soon renders you incapable of taking solid nourishment.
But I am aware that there are some of you out there who foolishly hope to one day hit the century mark, possibly so that a 127-year-old Willard Scott can mention you on the Today show. If you must insist on living that long, I offer you my tips on how to make it to the land of Ensure and prune juice.
1. Do not retire...ever. Assuming a retirement at age 65, that leaves 35 years of golfing, cheating at canasta, and watching reruns of Diagnosis Murder. You’d be better off stuffing a wet towel in the exhaust pipe and shutting the garage door.
Why not keep working? Eventually, you’ll outlive the evil bosses and backstabbing co-workers, and you’ll have control of the company by age 90. Then, you’ll be free to chase that buxom secretary around the desk. Of course, by then she’ll be 80, so it’ll be a low-speed chase, kind of like O. J. in the white Bronco.
2. Stay away from the typical old-people accouterments, like dentures, hearing aids, and those "I’ve fallen and I can’t get up" devices–they just make you feel even older. Besides, whenever you press the button on one of those things, all you probably get is a sarcastic response, like "What, are your legs broken or something?" It’s better to feel younger while gumming down Maypo and not hearing the doorbell.
3. Avoid all stress. If someone annoys you, don’t let it fester. Immediately bludgeon the offender with a blunt instrument. At least one of you will live longer.
4. Eat whatever you want. Don’t worry about cholesterol or obesity. I have every confidence that within the next 20 years, medical science will invent the artificial body.
5. Be kind to all animals, especially pigeons. You may have to depend on them to feed you some day.
