HOLIDAY GREETINGS FROM GEORGE W.

by Chris Joseph

A holiday message from the President of the United States...

My fellow Americans, and all those fixing to scoot across the border under the cloak of darkness:

During this special time of year, my strong religosity comes to the forefront of an otherwise cramped mind.

I am reminded of the biblical story of the three wise kings, Manny, Moe, and Jack. They traveled many miles on low cattle to visit the Baby Jesus as he laid with the mange and swaddled in his clothes. They bore gifts of delicious meats and cheeses that they procured from the Hickory Farms store in O Little Mall of Bethlehem, which the toothless infant gummed down hungrily. The shepherds also chipped in by making scrumptious pies of mashed potatoes and grounded sheep.

Like many of you, the holiday season makes me grateful for the love and support of family and friends. I am especially grateful for my father, whose first name eludes me right now, and my mother, Barbara, with her smooth reptilian skin and the pearls of wisdom that grace her thick neck like a choker.

I am also grateful for my lovely wife, Laura. Many say that she has a frozen smile, but I find that even her most iciest of grins warms the cocklets of my heart. As for my twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara, I am proud that they have carried on my tradition of imbibing, of which I no longer partake.

The Christmas season is also the time to think of those less fortunate. With that in mind, I’d like to give a special Yuletide shout-out to my boy Rummy, who had the decency to voluntarily resign after I deluged him with threats and pressure. He then embarked on a farewell world tour that would make The Who blue with envy. I hope he got lots of T-shirts and groupies.

We Americans endured many trials during this year, the most trialest of which is the continuing war in Iraq. I ask that you continue to pray for our troops, and I assure you that our resolve is stronger than ever and we will stay the course, even as we seek ways to hightail it out of there.

The year also brought us more congressional scandals, including those of a sexual nature. I am reminded of one particular congressman of a gay persuasion, whose name I will not mention but rhymes with "holy" as in "Holy smokes! I can’t believe you wrote that in an e-mail to a 16-year-old boy." You can be certain that I as your president would never engage in such conduct, mainly because I have the computer skills of a turnip.

And we continue to struggle with the problems of education, healthcare, unemployment, blah, blah, blah. But to me, the most vexing worriment is the onslaught of celebrity combo names. I pledge to you that I will introduce legislation in 2007 that will eliminate the scourge of "Brangelina" and "TomKat" from our treasured gossip magazines. Just think of what the negative impact on our society would be if people started saying "Laurgeorge" or "Georgera."

So, my fellow Americans, as you sit down with your loved ones this Christmas to a fine dinner of fowl or pig, with the sweet strains of the Ray Conniff Singers blasting away in the background, remember to count your blessing and pray for those not as blessed. And go easy on the stuffing to avoid becoming one of the growing obese.

To all of you Unorthodox folks I wish you a Merry Christmas. And to my Jewish friends, Happy Kwanzaa.