RIDIN’ WITHOUT A HELMET by Chris Joseph The President of These United States Himself came to my hometown of York, Pennsylvania the other day to tour the Harley-Davidson assembly plant. I’m not sure how my fellow citizens felt, but to me it was the most exciting event involving motorcycles since the morning ride of Ben Roethlisberger (which, according to the English-Bush dictionary, is pronounced "Rutabaga"). In case you weren’t there, I’ve included some of our leader’s remarks to the Harley workers, and a few that may not have been picked up by the media... "I want to thank the folks here at the Harley plant for their wonderful hospitality." Although it really wasn’t necessary, since I ain’t been sick since that time I nearly choked on that dang pretzel. And besides, I’m the president, so I got really good hospitality insurance. "I’ve been impressed by Harley-Davidsons. It’s one of America’s finest products." I just wish Dad would let me have one. Hell, he’s older than Texas dirt and he gets to jump out of airplanes. But he wouldn’t even let me take the training wheels off my mountain bike until I was 50. "I...really enjoyed walking the floor and shaking hands with the people who work here. I’m impressed by their esprit de corps." And I bet you’re impressed that I said "esprit de corps." That’s one of them fancy French words that I think means "bodily odors." Either that, or it’s one of them special army units I sent to Iraq. "Harleys get shut out of certain markets, like other American products. And it makes sense that, if you’re making something people want around the world, that we ought to work hard to open up those markets. There’s a direct correlation between exports and jobs." Yeah, we’re exportin’ jobs faster than you can say, "Made in China." And don’t ask me what "correlation" means. You’d just be goin’ to the well once too often. "We also talked about the fact that one reason this company is successful is that they invest a lot in technologies, and that there is a part of our tax code that encourages investment called the research and development tax credit." And I should know–I’m great at figgerin’ out codes. I got one of them cool decoder rings out of a box of Cracker Jacks. I use it whenever I interpret the Constitutional. "And I come away from this plant with a lot of very positive impressions, and it is a joy to be here." I was really impressed by how people can show up at a place every day, do some sort of backbreaking manual labor for eight hours, then go home. I hear that’s what they call "havin’ a job." I never had one of them, unless you count the time I spent in the National Guard protectin’ Alabama from them Viet Congas...And it would have really been a joy to be here if they woulda let me take one of them bikes for a spin. I mean, I’ve never wrecked anything, except for the military. "And again I want to thank you all for opening up your facility, and thank the good folks there on the line for being–for greeting me in such a warm fashion. Thank you all."I’d especially like to thank the person who brought me the chalupa. For my money, Taco Bell makes the finest American grub this side of Benihana...And now, I leave you with a famous quote from another fine American, Thomas Jefferson–or was it George Jefferson; I always get those two confused–who once said, "Peace out, homies."
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