IS IT JUST ME, OR IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?

by Chris Joseph

After "suffering" through a January in which temperatures here on the East Coast sometimes hit the 60-degree mark, I’m beginning to think that Al Gore is right about this global warming stuff.

I’m still not sure what global warming is. I think it has something to do with the burning of man-made fossil fuels, which releases greenhouse gases into the atmosphere–whatever that means. Or maybe it’s caused by more deadly man-made gases, like the kind released by your Uncle Frank after he visits the late-night drive-thru at Taco Bell.

But will we really experience the gloom and doom predicted by many scientists if the globe continues to heat up faster than a bag of microwave popcorn?

Will we be accosted on the street by panting polar bears dressed in ragged fur who say, "Brother, can you spare a Slurpee?" Will we become inundated with sweaty seals holding makeshift cardboard signs that read, "Will work for ice"? Will the annual march of the penguins proceed to your neighborhood supermarket’s frozen food section, where they will consummate their peculiar mating ritual amongst the Lean Cuisine?

Maybe not, but it still concerns me that the world as we know it will change, and it won’t be pretty. Here’s a quick glimpse into a toasty future...

At the Winter Olympics, tragedy ensues when the ice thaws under figure skater Lindy Nancy as he attempts to perform his famous jump, the "Triple Lindy Lutze." The unstable landing forces Lindy to do the splits, resulting in the maneuver being renamed "The Double Nancy Nutcracker."

In balmy Nome, Alaska, ice sculptor Cliff Poulan stalks away after his chainsaw masterpiece, "Snow Dogs Playing Poker," melts just seconds after completion. Poulan decides to change careers and become a lifeguard, eventually landing the lead role in Baywatch Antarctica.

Unable to cope with the increasing temperature, Satan announces plans to move his Netherworld offices to an undisclosed "cooler" location equipped with central air and a swimming pool. In a press release, the Prince of Darkness says, "I just can’t take it anymore–it’s hotter than Hell down here. You can only push this eternal damnation thing so far. Thank God I’m outta here!"

In Sweden, scientists discover the first case of actual skin pigmentation in Scandinavia. "This threw us for quite a loop, since we’re so used to everyone here looking like ABBA," notes Dr. Sven Sallow of Stockholm University’s Department of Albino Studies. "Then we find this kid who looks like George Hamilton. I guess the species is genetically adapting to the warmer climate. Before you know it, we’ll be building fires on the beach, singing surfer tunes and roasting our weenies off."

Due to rapid melting, the island nation of Iceland announces it will be changing its name. The final moniker has yet to be selected, but the leading candidate appears to be "Riijdklvjdel" which loosely translated means "land of people seeking lifeboats."

Santa Claus is arrested for delivering presents while wearing nothing but open-toed sandals and a thong. At his arraignment, Mr. Clause expresses no remorse for his conduct; his only regret is that "now the world knows that despite my ample girth, in many ways I’m a man of elfin proportions."

In his latest documentary, An Imaginary Truth, Al Gore states that there is really no such thing as global warming; he made the whole thing up. When asked why, he responds, "I had some free time, so I thought I’d mess with everybody, just for fun. And if you think that was something, wait until you see what I have planned for the presidential election."

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