LARGER THAN LIFE, EVEN IN DEATH by Chris Joseph Here’s something to cheer you up: not only is the growing obesity epidemic killing us, it’s also creating a new set of problems after we die. A hospital in Pennsylvania has announced that it’s planning to renovate its morgue because 300-plus pound corpses just don’t fit into those sliding drawers. They’ve taken to storing them in large walk-in refrigerators, kind of like sides of beef without the hooks. And if we continue to have difficulty getting our arms around the fat problem, how we deal with death will change in other ways. Here are some likely scenarios... Sheboygan, Wisconsin-Inspired by accounts of pall bearers collapsing while lugging beefy bodies, entrepreneur Al "Digger" Stiffler invents the Portly Planter, a special crane used to lower coffins of obese clients into their final resting place. Business takes off when Stiffler offers free Burger King coupons to those who purchase his service in advance. Galveston, Texas-At the funeral for legendary Hostess Snacks connoisseur Calvin Kreemley, what is believed to be the first 21-Twinkie salute occurs as a chunky honor guard fires the golden cream-filled cakes into the air. One death is reported when a spongy projectile crashes through a farmhouse window several miles away, ironically striking a heavyset woman as she sits down to a plate of Twinkies. Helena, Arkansas-The world’s longest funeral takes place when Sheila Tomkins, while delivering the eulogy for Freda Butterball, attempts to list all of Freda’s favorite snack foods in alphabetical order. A lengthy delay occurs when Sheila can’t recall any food that begins with the letter "x." She’s eventually informed that not only is Chocolate Ex-Lax not a food, it also doesn’t begin with "x." Kiln, Mississippi-Tragedy is narrowly avoided at the memorial service for Jonathan Largely when an inebriated mourner mistakes the super-sized urn for a urinal. The day is saved when an alert mourner redirects him to a nearby potted plant. Butte, Montana-A fire at Krazy Karl’s Krematorium and Rib Shack nearly burns out of control when a rotund human corpse is accidentally placed in the barbeque pit and set ablaze. "I ain’t never seen nothin’ like it," Krazy Karl reports. "But it’s such an easy mistake. That dang body was as big as any steer I ever seen. There probably ain’t enough honey glaze in all a’ Silver Bow County to cover it." Sharon, Pennsylvania-Dick Trimble moves mourners to tears at the memorial service for his best friend, Paunch Porkelli, with his heartfelt tribute to the potato chip. "Paunch loved his chips," Dick says. "He’d start each morning with a family-size bag of barbeque and a Dr. Pepper. Then it was sour cream and onion during Matlock. And he couldn’t go to sleep until he had his Funyuns. It’s like Paunch always said, ‘When the chips are down, it’s time to go get more.’" Kearney, Nebraska-After recognizing how obesity is affecting himself and his growing family, Earl Burly purchases a 35-acre parcel to use as a family burial plot. When asked how large he wants each individual plot to be, Burly replies, "Well, I know they should be six feet deep. As far as how wide, let’s just say we ought to allow plenty of room to expand." Detroit, Michigan-General Motors announces it will begin production of a new Cadillac hearse for use when transporting the obese, called the Reaper Creeper. It’s designed with four rear wheels instead of two and a five-ton cargo capacity, and comes with optional "Oversize Load" signs. Refrigerated storage space can be added for extra bodies, just in case the hospital runs out of room at the morgue.
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