TILL FOOTBALL DO US PART...OR NOT?

By Chris Joseph

The new football season is finally upon us, which means that across America, heads are cracking, slobber is flying, and blood is spilling. And that’s just in the living rooms.

Yes, the beginning of televised football also means the onset of domestic unrest that can last longer than a Super Bowl halftime show .

Since September also signifies the kickoff of the new fall television season, I thought I’d introduce some new programs that should help bring hubby and wife closer together during this time of strife...

Guys, this show provides a great way to get your wife involved in your passion. Instead of painting your face in your favorite team colors, the two of you can gather tips on how she can prepare you for the big game by coating you with generous amounts of Dream Mousse Blush and Baby Mauve Lip Gloss. After all, sometimes even a Hogette likes to feel pretty.

For the guys who still can’t get their wives interested, here’s a show where they can exchange her for one that’s a football fanatic. It’s guaranteed to make the chest-bumping after touchdowns a whole lot more interesting.

In a departure from those steamy movies exploring wide-ranging topics from adultery to, well, adultery, the Lifetime Network unveils its own pregame show, with expert football commentary from Meredith Baxter (with or without Birney), Cheryl Ladd, and Valerie Bertinelli. Special features include "Gridiron Fantasies" and "Deception By Interception."

Couples are encouraged to watch this updated version of The 700 Club together, as host Pat Robertson combines lessons on football with spirituality, providing pearls such as, "A touchdown and an extra point equals seven points. If you take that times a hundred, it equals 700, and that’s why my show is called the 700 Club!" Pat starts and ends each show with a special prayer to the University of Notre Dame’s "Touchdown Jesus."

In this reality show, couples attend group counseling sessions to help guys overcome their addiction to sitting transfixed in front of the televison from September until January. Episodes are based on real-life case studies, such as "I’ll Get a Job--in February," "The House is on Fire? That’s Nice, Dear "and "Can’t the Trash Take Itself Out?"

This show features tender love stories depicting how men wooed their future wives by using football terminology. Classic lines from some of the episodes include, "I’d love to carry you into the end zone and spike you," "You smell like fresh pigskin on a fall afternoon," and "If you lost 30 pounds, you’d look just like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader."

Another reality show, this chronicles the adventures of Sid and Marie Ficus, a typical loving couple until the night Sid grabs the remote and tries to switch to Sunday Night Football during Desperate Housewives. A wrestling match ensues and spills out into the street, with couples from the neighborhood joining the fracas. The best of the individual matches are televised each week, including "Wilma the Nagger vs. Harry the Timid," and "Stiletto-Heeled Stella vs. Belching Barry."

Instead of the lame ballroom dancing of Jerry Rice, the male audience is targeted by having famous football players perform their favorite end zone celebrations. Husbands and wives are encouraged to dance together in the comfort of their own living rooms. It may not be pretty, but at least it’s better than cracking heads and flying slobber.

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