GRAB THE DUCT TAPE! YOU'VE GOT MAIL by Chris Joseph If you’re fortunate enough to live in Great Britain you can now have MI5, the British Security Service, e-mail terror updates right to your computer. I can’t wait for the Department of Homeland Security to follow suit... From: Department of Homeland Security Date: January 16, 2007 To: Chris Joseph Subject: Terror Alert Update-Blue Dear fellow terror enthusiast, Just wanted to let you know that today’s alert level is blue, which means there are currently no credible threats to any specific targets. As far as I know, anyway. We had a little "incident" yesterday--there was a power outage and all of our computers were down for six hours. Damn those squirrels! But we have every reason to believe that nothing untoward occurred and everything is fine. I mean, I haven’t heard of any cities blowing up or anything. Speaking of which, did you see 24 last night? Did that mushroom cloud over Los Angeles after the terrorists set off the nuclear bomb look cool or what? Yours in terror, Michael Chertoff Secretary, Department of Homeland Security P. S. Check out our latest line of fun replica al-Qaeda weapons for kids at www.homelandsecurity.guv/terror.is.fun From: Department of Homeland Security Date: January 18, 2007 To: Chris Joseph Subject: Terror Alert Update-Yellow Dear fellow terror enthusiast: We have raised the alert to yellow, which means there is an elevated risk of an attack, but no specific region has been identified. This probably means that a little old lady in Topeka or somewhere thought she saw some "Middle Eastern-looking men" piling out of a van in a mall parking lot, chanting Arabic verses and waving automatic weapons. I’m sure it’s nothing. By the way, is that Rosie vs. The Donald thing getting annoying or what? It’s enough to make me want to start lobbing grenades at Trump Plaza. Yours in terror, Michael Chertoff Secretary, Department of Homeland Security P. S. Low on duct tape? Check out our latest specials at www.homelandsecurity.guv/armageddon.soon From: Department of Homeland Security Date: January 22, 2007 To: Chris Joseph Subject: Terror Alert Update-Orange Dear fellow terror enthusiast, Today’s color is orange, meaning there is a high risk of an attack, but no specific location has been identified. Do not be concerned. True, it appears that an attack may be imminent, but the United States and its territories consist of something like 3.7 million square miles; the odds are pretty slim that a terrorist dusted your Fruit Loops with anthrax. If that doesn’t comfort you, just wash down three or four OxyContin with a pint of Jack Daniels, put some Grateful Dead on the iPod , and think happy thoughts. Yours in terror, Michael Chertoff Secretary, Department of Homeland Security P. S. Paying too much for OxyContin? Hopelessly addicted? Check out the great deals at www.homelandsecurity.guv/feeling.no.pain. (Offer void to Rush Limbaugh and any of his ‘doctors.’)
From: Department of Homeland Security Date: January 25, 2007 To: Chris Joseph Subject: Terror Alert Update-Red Dear fellow terror enthusiast, To quote the late, great 21st century philosopher Frank Barone, "Holy crap!" We have just received credible evidence that an attack is imminent, and we know the specific location. I won’t say where because I don’t want to cause any undue panic. Let’s just say I’d think twice about sending Junior on that field trip to the Smithsonian. Gotta run–they’re serving freeze-dried legumes and canned Vienna sausages in the underground bunker, and I don’t want to be late. Yours in terror, Michael Chertoff Secretary, Department of Homeland Security P. S. Are you a metro D.C. resident who still hasn’t made evacuation plans? Log on to www.homelandsecurity.guv/need.a.will.fast
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