|
SAVING THE ECONOMY IS A REAL CRAPSHOOT
by Chris Joseph
News flash: In Apex, NC, a two-year-old Swiss mountain dog named Augie consumed $400 in cash belonging to his owner, who was able to rescue portions of the excreted currency and wash it off with a garden hose.
Comment: The $750 billion in federal bailout money is meeting with pretty much the same fate, but even a power washer won’t be able to save it.
News flash: Over 700 marijuana plants, some over five feet tall, were found by police in a seedy Philadelphia apartment.
Comment: Police also apprehended three rotund rats wearing Bob Marley T-shirts and giggling uncontrollably while trying to order Chinese takeout on the apartment’s phone.
News flash: New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson signed legislation to repeal the state’s death penalty.
Comment: Upon hearing the news, all of New Mexico’s death row inmates drank a simultaneous toast to the governor. Unfortunately, a deranged prison guard who survived the 1978 Jonestown massacre had laced their grape juice cups with cyanide.
News flash: Health officials reported that 4.3 million babies were born in the United States in 2007, the most in any year in United States history.
Comment: This must have been the result of all those TV ads for erectile dysfunction products. Gotta think that some of those babies were conceived by older couples while in the throes of chemically-enhanced bliss. Looks like we’ll be replacing Baby Boomers with Viagra Bangers.
News flash: Kellogg’s CEO David Mackay has called for an overhaul of the nation’s food safety system after his company recently lost $70 million due to a salmonella outbreak.
Comment: All this could have been prevented if Tony the Tiger would have just read the sign and washed his paws before leaving the corporate rest room.
News flash: The beginning of college basketball’s March Madness has caused productivity in offices across the country to come to a virtual standstill.
Comment: The best way for bosses to get their employees’ noses out of the brackets is to tell them that if they don’t get back to work they’ll win a no-expenses-paid trip to the Fired Four.
News flash: Marie Douglas-David, a 36-year-old Swedish heiress, claimed that she can’t live on a $43 million divorce settlement from her husband, United Technologies Corp. CEO George David. The heiress said she needs at least $53,000 per week for living expenses, including $4,500 for clothing.
Comment: For $4,5000 Marie could buy the entire Jaclyn Smith collection at Kmart.
News flash: The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation indicated that the number of people getting vanity license plates for their vehicles is on the increase.
Comment: Here are some vanity plates that I’d like to see: OCTO-CASH (Nadya Suleman); AIG-DOA (the CEO of AIG); and IC-WMD (George W. Bush).
News flash: Barack Obama recently became the first sitting president to be a guest on The Tonight Show.
Comment: George W. Bush had previously turned down an offer to become the first lying president to appear on the show.
News flash: An Iraqi boy named War, born on the date of the United States invasion of Iraq, recently celebrated his sixth birthday.
Comment: Some of the other Iraqi babies born that day included a girl named Pointless, a set of twins called Shock and Awful, and Halliburton, believed to be the bastard son of Dick Cheney.
News flash: The House of Representatives voted to imposed a 90 percent tax on bonuses paid to AIG executives after the company received federal bailout money.
Comment: As I write this, there are dozens of AIG executives in North Carolina following Augie the Doggy around with a Pooper Scooper.
Comments? Contact Chris |
