KICK THE BUCKET–BEFORE IT KICKS YOU
by Chris Joseph
After watching the movie The Bucket List, the story of two terminally ill men who try to complete a list of things to do before they reach their expiration date, I’ve come to this conclusion: Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman are the ugliest old men on screen this side of 60 Minutes.
But I have to admit the film did get me thinking about my own mortality. There must be more meaningful things in life than changing the oil in my car every 60,000 miles whether it needs it or not, or sitting around making decorative yet practical knickknacks out of everyday navel lint.
Since I am a man of great depth and introspection (just yesterday, I spent two hours at breakfast contemplating the hidden meaning behind the phrase "Snap! Crackle! Pop!") I’ve taken the time to create my own bucket list. I must warn you, do not attempt any of these yourself without adult supervision. Which means I am in no way qualified to help you.
1. Run with the bulls in Pamplona, then turn the tables on them by making them run with the freeway traffic in Los Angeles.
2. Find the Fountain of Youth and discover that it spews forth an endless stream of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
3. Discover a way to skydive without actually having to jump from the plane.
4. Race in the Indianapolis 500 with my Toyota Corolla and make obscene gestures at the other drivers for cutting me off and not using turn signals.
5. Steal the Colonel’s secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices and sell it on eBay for millions of dollars.
6. Hold a televised press conference and finally reveal to the world that I am the one referred to as the mysterious "fifth Beatle."
7. Secretly scale Mount Rushmore and sculpt the face of Stephen Colbert next to Abe Lincoln while nobody’s watching.
8. Win the Nobel Peace Prize by gathering all the world leaders into a room and showing them Three Stooges movies until they laugh themselves silly. If this doesn’t work, George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Robert Gates will perform for the group their original comedy routine called "Just Another Day at the Oval Office."
9. Exhibit my physical prowess by covering the entire route of the Boston Marathon while riding in a limo.
10. Get stinking drunk on Appalachian moonshine, then later try to figure out what exactly happened to the previous three days of my life.
11. Learn how to barbeque in the backyard without igniting a raging inferno that consumes my neighborhood, the entire city, and portions of the surrounding counties.
12. Learn to speak fluent Spanish, then find somebody to teach George Bush to speak fluent English.
13. Decorate my house in something other than its current style, which is featured in many fine home decor magazines as "Early Garbage."
14. Take a real trip to outer space instead of just living there in my mind every day.
15. Ride a roller coaster without barfing my meals from the previous two days onto the unsuspecting souls on the ground far below.
16. Eat a block of chocolate roughly the size of a minivan.
17. Learn to dance without looking like a penguin on a bad acid trip.
18. Learn to fly and drop little "surprises" on the freshly washed cars of birds.
19. Perform a tax audit on all 115,000 IRS employees.
20. Find the cure for whatever it is I’m dying from.
I think I’d better get started on my list right away. A lady at the grocery store asked me if I’m a correspondent on 60 Minutes.
Comments? Contact Chris
To subscribe for FREE Click here
