STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE’S PEN
by Chris Joseph
The following journal entries from Big Brown may help explain his poor performance at the Belmont Stakes:
7 June 2008, 7:22 a.m.-Finally, race day. I sure hope this means I soon get to eat real food again instead of this vegan crap. Real men do NOT eat hay! And this paddock smells worse than a subway men’s room in Queens. Which reminds me–right after the race I’m hitting the nearest Dairy Queen for a Waffle Bowl Sundae, then tomorrow I’m cantering into the Big Apple for some nightclubbing and a suite at the Ritz. Nothing but the best for the Brown Man.
9:44 a.m.-Just stuck my head outside. It must be 100 freakin’degrees out there! Suddenly the thought of running a mile and a half sounds about as much fun as a high colonic. And I hear there’s gonna be close to 6 million clams bet on me, but does the Brown Man get a piece of the action? Hell no! They can take their Triple Crown and put it where that blazing hot sun don’t shine.
10:54 a.m.-Just got back from a media meet & greet. What a circus! All those knuckleheads with cameras and microphones. Who do they think I am–Mr Ed? I’m surprised they didn’t ask me to stick a pencil in my mouth and dial a phone. The Brown Man’s getting a little stressed--think it’s time to sneak around back for a smoke.
11:43 a.m.-So bored. About the only thing happening is that they keep coming by to check my hoof. What are they so worried about? It’s just a little crack. The glue is working out great, although I did have to throw a horsey fit when I found out what people make glue out of. Oh well, nap time!
1:28 p.m.-Ah, the dreams...I kept having this one about me and 12 mares in a field of alfalfa. Which reminds me–when this is all over it better be stud time for the Brown Man...Still five more hours until post time. I knew I should’ve packed my book of Sudokus. And to think, I gave up my Saturday cartoons for this.
4:07 p.m.-This will be my last entry before the race. It’s almost time for the pre-race pageantry garbage. Guess I’ll go out there and strut around, give ’em the old dog-and pony-show–sans dog, of course. Man, I hate this. I knew I should’ve gone to law school. And this field! What a bunch of losers. I mean, Denis of Cork? Ready’s Echo? Please. I could beat those nags running on four busted hooves–backwards! And what’s an Ichabad Crane? Does his jockey lose his head during the race? Ha!
7:17 p.m.-Guess I kinda “blew” that one, huh? I can’t believe the way everybody’s freaking just because I lost a stupid race. Don’t these people have lives? I heard the little dude Desenex, or whatever his name is, say, “I had no horse.” Yeah, well, guess what, Tom Thumb--it was too freakin’ hot, and I just didn’t feel like it. So put that on your saddle and spin on it! And that idiot trainer, Dutrow. That’ll teach Fatso to run his mouth off all week...At least since I lost it means I shouldn’t have to do the Today show now. That Matt Lauer is just sooo smug...Dairy Queen, here I come!
11:42 p.m. Back at the paddock. Peace and quite at last. Time to hit the hay, so to speak. Hope I have some sweet dreams about my new life in the pasture making Little Browns. Hey, it sure beats running in circles for a living.
Comments? Contact Chris
To subscribe for FREE Click here
| 
