WE’RE IN THE ARMY NOW; OUR SERGEANT IS OUR PAL by Chris Joseph It must be a sign of our politically correct times that Army drill sergeants are becoming less like Louis Gossett Jr. and more like Mister Rogers. According to a recent Associated Press article, the Army, in an attempt to reduce the number of recruit "washouts," is replacing the in-your-face screaming approach in boot camp with one that David S. Chu, undersecretary for personnel and readiness, says involves "less shouting at everyone." This makes me wonder what a more mellow drill sergeant might say when he addresses the troops at morning roll call... "Platoon, attention! That is, if you’re not too busy...Private Jenkins, you’re looking especially fetching in your fatigues this morning. Camouflage definitely becomes you." "Thank you, Sergeant Precious, sir!" "And Private Simmons, you’re certainly in the pink today. Unfortunately, your cap is slightly askew. I’m afraid I must punish you. Please forgive me, soldier, but I must request that at the conclusion of today’s training, you go and fetch me 20 orchids." "It would be my pleasure, sir. And I do forgive you." "Whew! That’s a relief...Private Watkins, being that you are the only female in the platoon, I would be remiss if I did not compliment you on your appearance. Your application of rouge is most appealing, and that glitter nail polish is to die for. And what is that pleasing fragrance? Is it Sheer Obsession?" "Sir, no sir. It’s Eternity Summer. I placed just a splash behind each ear." "Excellent. My wife would love to exchange makeup tips with you. Perhaps you can come by for brunch on Sunday. We’re serving a Cheddar Quiche Lorraine along with freshly squeezed mango nectar...Okay, platoon, please let me have your attention. First, allow me to apologize for having to roust you from your slumber so early. I promise to make it up to you with a special nap time this afternoon. "Here’s our agenda for today. First, there will be a half-mile run in full combat gear. If any of you feel this would be too strenuous, you may choose to take a Jeep. Also, you may discard your gear if it becomes too cumbersome. Keep in mind, the forecast calls for showers, so if there is even one droplet of rain, we will seek shelter immediately. Understood?" "Sir, yes sir." "I can’t hear you!...But that’s okay. I won’t trouble you to repeat it. That would be the epitome of rudeness on my part...To continue, following the half-mile run, we will break into squads to discuss our favorite chick flicks. Personally, I’m going with The Bridges of Madison County; the Meryl Streep performance moves me to tears. "Then, after a leisurely lunch at Applebee’s we’ll have that nap I promised. For those of you who have trouble falling asleep, I will serenade you with a medley of classic lullabies. How does that sound, platoon?" "Very soothing, sir!" "Wonderful. We will conclude our day by completing the grueling obstacle course, which consists of crawling through a ten-meter field of mud and scaling a three-foot-high wall. Finally, we will fix bayonets and conduct a full frontal assault on a poster of the Dixie Chicks. "To alleviate your concerns, the bayonets are made of plastic to avoid possible injury. And we’ve listened to your complaints about getting dirty, so we’ve replaced the mud with chocolate pudding. Is that acceptable?" "Sir, yes sir." "Outstanding! I know that all this training may sound overly taxing, but you can take comfort in knowing that you will be thoroughly prepared to face the enemy...as long as we're fighting a battalion of florists."
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