WHY DO BAD THINGS ALWAYS COME IN THREES?
by Chris Joseph
Ever since Henry Ford made the fateful decision to mass-produce his Model T (probably so that future generations of Americans could find a practical use for their middle fingers by inventing road rage-Ford truly was a visionary), three auto companies, General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler, have pretty much ruled our national economy.
But these days, with the tanking economy resulting in plummeting sales and labor pains stronger than those felt by a dwarf Chihuahua birthing a 20-pound puppy, it's gotten to the point where the "Big Three" soon may not be worthy of "Capital Letters."
In fact, things are so dire that the CEOs of the "big three"(didn't take long, did it?) recently winged to Washington on their private jets to appear before Congress, Gucci hats in hand, to grovel for $15 billion in federal bailout money to keep their firms from going the way of the Edsel.
I have a more sensible solution. Before we fork over our hard-earned future bingo and cat food money so these clowns can equip their companies' vehicles with indispensable features like genuine imitation yak-hair seat covers or his-and-her monogrammed designer carsick bags, we could replace them with one of our more popular "celebrity" trios.
After all, they couldn't do any worse, and in this economy, I'm sure they could use the extra scratch.
Here are my top candidates, along with their pros and cons...
The Three Stooges, famous comedy team of the mid-20th century.
Pro: Their comedic prowess would keep things light around the office...Couldn't you imagine Curly breaking the ice at those stodgy annual shareholders meetings by doing his shuffle during a PowerPoint presentation?
Con: Moe would likely stage a hostile takeover, concussing Larry and Curly by clunking their heads together, rendering them incapable of leadership. Moe would then seize control and force all three companies' employees to sport hideous bowl haircuts.
The Three Little Pigs, legendary fairy tale characters
Pro: Extensive experience in the housing industry, so they're used to struggling against adversity.
Con: Possible intervention from the Big Bad Wolf, who may huff and puff and blow all the factories down, resulting in massive layoffs and plant closings.
The Three Bears, characters in the popular children's bedtime story.
Pro: Cute and cuddly and would be loved by their employees.
Con: Pending litigation resulting from Goldilocks filing a sexual harassment suit against Bear #3 could quickly dissolve the bailout money. For the record, the bear has proclaimed his innocence, stating that he wasn't harassing Ms. Locks, but simply displayed a little too much"enthusiasm" when complimenting her for making his porridge "just right."
Faith, Hope, and Charity, noted philanthropists and do-gooders.
Pro: Their benevolent nature and generous spirit would improve employee morale, temporarily resulting in increased productivity.
Con: They'd probably blow the bailout billions by giving it to soup kitchens and saving whales, so the companies would be belly-up within six months.
Tom, Dick, and Harry, whoever the hell they are.
Pro: Their virtual anonymity and "every man" quality would appeal to the rank and file on the assembly lines.
Con: We really know nothing about them. They could be ax murderers, child molesters, or corporate executives. Is that who you really want spending your money?
Me, Myself, and I, handsome, charming, brilliant writer of this column.
Pro: My intelligence and leadership abilities would undoubtedly guide the auto companies out of their current troubles, eventually reaching unmatched levels of success and prosperity.
Con: Ok, so I come up a little short in the intelligence and leadership departments. But I could use a little bailing out Myself. Don't worry-I promise I'll share the money with Me and I.
Comments? Contact Chris
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