THE BACHELOR GOURMET
by Chris Joseph
Being a single guy, I used to believe that the art of cooking was reserved for those chosen few who possessed expertly honed culinary skills that I could only dream of, like how to turn on an oven or boil water.
My own cooking adventures were pretty much limited to the microwave, where I would pretend to be a famous TV chef. My favorite "segment" was called "Fun With Encased Meats," where I discovered that if you nuked a hot dog for several hours, there would be an explosion so violent that the splattered weenie remains could only be removed from the oven walls with an acetylene torch and putty knife.
So it’s been nothing less than a godsend that there is now an abundance of television cooking shows with experts like Rachael Ray, Emeril and Yan Can Cook, where even kitchen klutzes like me can learn to whip up a spectacular meal, often in less time than it takes to detonate a hot dog.
After careful study of these shows followed by painstaking experimentation, I’ve created the following easy-to-prepare recipes especially for the single guy, or anyone who demonstrates the cooking skills of a boll weevil...
SpaghettiO's Flambe'-In a large saucepan or flame retardant bowl, combine two cans of SpaghettiO’s, a pinch of paprika, and half a bottle of 151 proof rum. Remove pets and/or small children from the home. Ignite concoction with acetylene torch. (See "Fun With Encased Meats" above.) Consume other half of bottle of 151 proof rum as kitchen burns to the ground.
Over-Baked Oven-Baked Potatoes-This half-baked recipe takes the concept of twice baked potatoes to a new level. First, preheat oven until really hot. Place 4 to 6 Russet potatoes (eyes still in) into oven and cook for several hours. Repeat process repeatedly. Serve with chainsaw for easier slicing.
Vegan Meatless Meat Loaf-For those of you whose cholesterol level is rapidly approaching the gross national product of Tanzania, here’s a simple, meatless, tasteless recipe. Preheat oven to the same figure as your LDL cholesterol. In a large bowl, combine two eggs (preferably chicken), ½ cup of moldy bread crumbs, and a pound of that fake ground beef stuff that tastes like toenails. Bake for 195 minutes. Have dog sample finished loaf. If dog does not convulse and foam at the mouth, assume loaf is safe to eat. Just not by humans.
Toasted Cheezy Cheetos Coronary Casserole-Make your favorite snack food into a scrumptious main course. Purchase one large bag of Cheetos. Consume three-quarters of bag while watching football. After the game, combine remaining Cheetos, an entire jar of Cheez Whiz, a block of Velveeta the size of a shoebox, and cheese remnants from six pizza boxes in a casserole dish. Bake in oven until mixture becomes a gooey, congealed mess. As you dine, feel your arteries becoming more clogged than the Big Dig at rush hour. Spicy Spam and Vienna Sausage Kabobs-On a skewer, alternate placing Vienna sausages with chunks of Spam until skewer resembles a portion of a pig’s intestine. Liberally douse the skewer with tabasco sauce until skewer resembles a portion of a pig’s intestine that’s been liberally doused with tabasco sauce. Rotate skewer over open flame created by igniting leftover pizza boxes. (See Toasted Cheezy Cheetos Coronary Casserole above.) When apartment smells like a rendering plant, kabobs are done. Consume. Remain within crawling distance of nearest lavatory for the next 5 to 7 days.
Okay, so maybe these recipes will never help me land my own cooking show. Just think about this:Yan Can Cook, but can he handle a putty knife?
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