THE MORAL OF THE STORY
by Chris Joseph
Do you consider yourself to be a moral person? A recent poll conducted by the Pew Research Center indicates how Americans feel about morality these days. I decided to take a look behind the numbers to try to determine how virtuous we really are...
Eighty-eight percent of the respondents said that having an extramarital affair was wrong.
However, five percent said it was acceptable "as long as he/she was good-looking." Four percent said, "It’s okay–I’m ‘separated’". Three percent said they were on their way to "nibble on a midday love cookie" at the Motel No-Tell and didn’t have time to talk
Seventy-nine percent said that it was immoral to cheat on income tax returns.
Nineteen percent said they saw absolutely nothing wrong with cheating on their taxes and did it routinely. The remaining two percent said they were IRS agents and were very interested in learning the names of the 19 percent.
Sixty-one percent responded that consuming too much alcohol was not moral.
Ten percent said they thought drinking was moral since they never got drunk in church. Another ten percent raised their shot glasses and said, "I’ll drink to that." Nineteen percent had breath that could level a herd of charging rhinoceri and tried to French kiss the pollster.
Fifty-two percent stated that abortion was morally wrong.
Forty-one percent said they were pro-choice advocates who respected the position of the 52 percent, but still wanted to "beat the living crap"out of them anyway. Five percent said they were busy plotting to blow up abortion clinics and couldn’t be bothered, and two percent thought that Roe v. Wade was an upcoming wrestling match on pay-per-view.
Exactly half of the respondents said that smoking pot was morally acceptable.
Twenty-four percent kept forgetting the question and needed to have it repeated several times. Twenty percent had their faces so full of Devil Dogs they could only mumble, "Ftydsgjtrglf." Four percent offered no response because they were giggling hysterically, and two percent tried to eat the pollster’s laptop.
Half of those surveyed also said that homosexuality was immoral.
Twenty-eight percent said being gay was an acceptable lifestyle "as long as their lifestyle occurred really far away, like in Bora Bora." Twelve percent said homosexuals weren’t a bother "unless they wanted to shower with me at the Y." The remaining ten percent were adult males who were very interested in finding out if Bruce, the pollster they affectionately dubbed "Man Muffin" was available after the poll.
Forty-three percent said it was wrong to tell a lie in order to spare someone’s feelings.
Twenty-one percent were married males who said it was "necessary" to falsely compliment their wives’ new hairstyle in order to maintain regular connubial relations. Thirty-six percent said lying was always okay and regularly shoveled more BS than the cleanup crew at Pamplona.
Thirty-five percent said that sex between unmarried adults was not moral.
Fifty percent thought "virginity" was the name of a southern state. Fifteen percent were Catholic priests who said that sex shouldn’t be considered a moral issue.
Thirty-five percent also believed that gambling was immoral.
The remaining 65 percent gave 5 to 2 odds that the 35 percent were really closet gamblers who never missed an episode of "Celebrity Poker" and tragically lost their first-born children in a late-night game of Texas Hold ’Em.
Finally, 32 percent said that overeating was not moral.
The other 68 percent said that they were thrilled to be part of the growing obesity epidemic. One proud, portly American said, "What the hell; might as well be number one in something.
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