OF MONKEYS AND MEN by Chris Joseph With much of the nation going ape over intelligent design, otherwise known as "when in doubt, it’s gotta be God," there is no shortage of viewpoints being expressed on op-ed pages, blogs, and talk radio. But until recently, we hadn’t heard from the special interest group that is closest to the origin of all this monkey madness: the simian. Fortunately, through exhaustive research I’ve uncovered a letter to the editor of an obscure simian-rights publication that may shed some light... Dear Editor: As the usually silent member of "The Three Wise Monkeys," it is inherent in my creed that I speak no ill of any living creature (well, except for the occasional barb directed at that knucklehead Bonzo–I still don’t know what possessed him to make those moronic movies with that Reagan fellow). But this whole intelligent design thing is enough to make me want to spew more obscenities than a guest on "Springer." Didn’t we settle this during the Scopes trial back in ’25? Darwin had it right all along. Although he may not be our best work, Man definitely descended from us. (Those humans who think otherwise probably evolved from our slow-witted cousin, the gibbon, who has been known to fling his, um, "fecal matter" at his own reflection. He also sometimes forgets to remove the peel from the banana before dining. But I digress.) What really gets my diaper in a twist is all this rubbish about some sort of "intelligent" Creator. Take a look at "Planet of the Apes," for example. You’re telling me that an intelligent being created Charlton Heston? Hell, the only "real" job he could get was head of the NRA. And if this Creator is so brilliant, and Man was designed in His own image, please explain the following: 1. Humans who spend hundreds of dollars getting pictures of hideous creatures like snakes, scorpions, or their girlfriends tattooed on their bodies. If my kid ever came home with one of those things, he’d be spending his summer vacation dancing for some organ grinder. 2. Humans who line up at 4 a.m. in sub-freezing temperatures waiting for Wal-Mart to open on Black Friday to save a few bucks on a DVD player. Folks, it’s not worth it. There’s nothing worth renting these days, except for those Clint Eastwood-orangutan flicks. (Can you believe Clyde never won an Oscar? Oh yeah...I forgot the Academy is comprised of "intelligent" humans.) 3. A leader who can’t pronounce "nuclear" and acts like clearing brush on his ranch is some special skill you learn at Yale. No offense to my brethren, but a trained monkey could do that! 4. NASCAR on television. I have better things to do on Sunday afternoons than getting a case of Pabst and watching cars go around in circles with some broad named Earlene. Humans need to get off their ample backsides on weekends and get some exercise, like swinging on vines or chasing Boy through the underbrush. 5. Humans that complain because the price of gasoline is three dollars a gallon while they continue to drive SUVs the size of King Kong’s limo. You’d never catch me in one of those things. Can you imagine the ribbing I’d get from See No Evil if he spotted me driving something with a soccer ball on the back? 6. Reality TV. ’Nuff said. You know, this speaking my mind stuff is very cathartic. I think my next target will be those anti-PETA wackos. Do I have some fecal matter to fling at them! Signed,
(Used to) Speak No Evil
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