SUPER-SIZING BIG BROTHER

by Chris Joseph

If you pull into to a McDonald’s drive-thru these days, the monotonic, disembodied voice asking that timeless question, "Do you want fries with that?" may not be lurking behind the restaurant window, but somewhere in North Dakota or New Mexico, or even Hungary.

The folks at Mickey D’s say the remote order taker is just a new way to get you, the hungry consumer, through the line faster so you can begin your hungry consuming, well, faster.

Maybe this is just my inherent paranoia talking (it often speaks to me in a voice that sounds eerily like a McDonald’s drive-thru speaker), but I can’t help wondering: Is this a way to improve customer service, or just more proof that Big Brother is indeed watching us more closely than ever? You decide...

Drive-in speaker voice: Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?

Customer: Yeah, I’d like two Big Macs, a McChicken, and a chocolate shake.

Speaker: Do you really think you should be ordering all that? We have an obesity epidemic in this country, and let’s face it, if you put on another five pounds they’ll be naming a new fat after you.

Customer: Huh?

Speaker: What a clever response. Fat and stupid. All you need is ugly and you’ve got the hat trick.

Customer: What the hell is this? I’m just–

Speaker: Silence! And what’s with the Toyota Corolla? I guess you wouldn’t be caught dead driving an American infidel car, eh Osama?

Customer: Osama? What are you talking about? My name is Mo.

Speaker: Oh, sure, Mo, as in Mohammed. Why don’t you just admit it–you’re planning to use that extra Big Mac you ordered as a deadly soy bomb. And that special sauce can easily be converted into a Condiment of Mass Destruction.

Customer: My real name is Morris, you idiot. Look, just give me my food so I can get out of here.

Speaker: And no apple pie? There’s nothing more un-American than going to a McDonald’s and not ordering a hot apple pie. What else don’t you like? Baseball? Hot dogs? Hannah Montana?

Customer: I’ve had just about enough of this. I thought this was McDonald’s, not Abu Ghraib. I want to talk to your manager.

Speaker: Manager? Don’t make me laugh. We are Mickey D’s. We are all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing. We own corporate America, much of the civilized world, and even a couple of Chuck E. Cheese’s in Bora Bora...What’s that book beside you on the front seat–the Koran, perhaps?

Customer: No, dipstick. It’s the latest diet book: How to Lose Weight and Still Eat Like a Pig. Wait, this is really weird. Why am I sitting here having an argument with a speaker?. Who are you, anyway? Do you even work here?

Speaker: Who I am is not important. What matters is that you are a traitor to your country, your fellow Americans, and the Golden Arches. Sir, we need you to step out of the car and remove your clothing so that our agents can perform a full body cavity search.

Customer: You’ve got to be kidding me! There are eight cars in line behind me. The only way you’re gonna perform a full body cavity search on me is if you concuss me with a Chicken McNugget...I’m outta here! I’m going to Burger King!

(Sound of squealing rubber as the Corolla leaves roughly 80 percent of its tires in the McDonald’s parking lot and speeds away, narrowly missing a statue of Ronald McDonald.)

Speaker: Wait! Come back here! I didn’t get to ask you if you wanted fries with that!



Comments?  Contact Chris