KEN AND BARBIE MEET THE LOVE DOCTOR by Chris Joseph A couple of years ago, toy manufacturer Mattel shocked the world when it announced the "breakup" of Ken and Barbie after 43 years of undying, artificial love. Today, I’m pleased to report that the two have settled their differences and are reuniting. In a statement, Mattel said that Ken is a "changed man" who "exudes a new sense of his own personal style." I can only wonder if there wasn’t some other irresistible force that helped broker the reconciliation. Who knows? They may have even come under the spell of America’s favorite love doctor. Here is a possible excerpt from the "Dr. Phil" show... Dr. Phil: Ken, you were in a relationship with this girl for 43 years and never closed the deal. And Barbie, you keep prancing around like some 15-year-old beach bunny with all the brains of a roadkilled possum. That’s just jackass batty! Folks, I’m gonna spell out a word for you: c-o-m-m-i-t-m-e-n-t. Y’all might want to get yourselves a dictionary and look it up...That’s one of those books without pictures.
Ken: It was all her fault. I mean, at her age she’s still wearing those goofy outfits and spending all of her time at the beach, looking so...so... anatomically correct. That’s just not natural! And I don’t think it’s very mature.Barbie: You’re one to talk about being mature, Mr. Boy Toy.. And for your information, I need all those outfits. It’s my mission in life to teach young girls how to accessorize! If it weren’t for me, they’d be getting all their fashion tips from Joan Rivers. Dr. Phil: Folks, we need to start getting real here, or I’m gonna grab hold of both your plastic heads, rip ’em right out of their sockets and feed ’em to my dog. What I’m hearing are two childish, self-centered people who wouldn’t know a true emotion if it was a rattlesnake that jumped up and bit ’em on the backside. After all these years, has the thought of marriage ever popped into those empty skulls of yours?
Ken: No way! I got tired of playing second fiddle. Everywhere we went, it was "Barbie, Barbie, Barbie." People looked at me as a shallow, stunningly handsome airhead. I needed some space. I had to take some time to get in touch with my feminine side and nurture my inner doll. I spent a lot of time listening to Deepak Chopra tapes, and I never miss an "Oprah."
Dr. Phil: Your appearance certainly has changed, what with the ill-fitting jeans and the paunch.
Ken: That’s all part of my transformation. I’m still anatomically correct, but in a middle-aged guy kind of way. I’m drinking lots of beer and eating three meals a day at Fatburger. I don’t have an enlarged prostate yet, but there’s always hope.
Dr. Phil: Barbie, it seems to me that Ken is at least making an effort to mature. Can you meet him halfway?
Barbie: Well, I suppose I could spend a little less time at the beach, and I could trade in the dune buggy for a minivan. I might even learn to cook. Maybe I’ll get one of those Kenner Eazy-Bake Ovens. I bet they’re a steal on eBay!
Ken: Oh, Barbie, you’re the coolest! Will you marry me?
Dr. Phil: Barbie, here’s your chance to get real, girl.
Barbie: Oh, Ken, yes! I’m so happy I’d cry if I had real eyes. But only if it’s okay with Mattel. If we start having babies, they’ll have to come out with a "Maternity Barbie." How will I ever be able to accessorize?
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