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This Week's Column
TONY’S APOLOGY
by Chris Joseph
Last week, I shared with you the transcript of breakfast legend Tony the Tiger’s acrimonious press conference as he attempted to handle pointed questions concerning the unveiling of his new cereal, Frosted Flakes Gold.
At the conference, Tiger threw a hissy fit over the personal nature of some of the reporters’ questions, several times launching into profanity-laced tirades and even denigrating his most ardent supporters, the children of America.
What follows is Tony’s tearful apology, which he read from a prepared statement to a throng of reporters at Kellogg’s Battle Creek, Michigan corporate headquarters...
Folks, I want to thank you for coming today...As you are aware, last week I made some unfortunate remarks that apparently have offended many people, so I would like to take this opportunity to issue a public apology.
First, I would like to apologize to my wonderful longtime employers, the great people here at Kellogg’s. You have given me everything over the years, and your generosity has allowed me to provide a nice living for my family. There’s the palatial estate in the Hamptons, a beach house in Malibu, a jungle condo in Nepal, three yachts, a collection of vintage Corvettes, and expensive cat toys for my kids.
I would also like to say I’m sorry to my fine feathered friend with the multihued beak, Toucan Sam. I honestly had no malice in my heart when I called you “loopy.” Your entire Froot Loops line consists of fine products, and I’ve fed them to my own kids on those rare occasions when there were no Frosted Flakes in the cupboard.
(Tony dabs a tear with his kerchief.)
And I’d like to apologize to my family: my current trophy wife, Candi Bambi; our three children, Tyler Tigger, Ashley Bengal, and Purrfect (stops to sob for several seconds); as well as to my countless offspring from previous marriages, relationships, flings, one-night stands, and so on. I know that I haven’t always been the best husband and father, but I want you all to know that I’ve always loved you, even when I was out binging on raw flesh and liquor for weeks at a time.
I should also apologize to the various reporters that I threatened with violence. I know that some of you are probably human, and you’re just doing your jobs when you libel me.
(Tony pauses for several moments of gentle sobbing and occasional blubbering.)
And finally, I would like to apologize to my favorite people, the children of America. Referring to you as “snot-nosed bleeping little bleeps” was totally out of line. I love you all, regardless of your color, creed, or the mucous content of your nostrils. You’re all not just good, you’re GR-R-R-E-A-T!
In my defense, I can only say that my childish behavior was caused by great stress in my life. As you are aware, I recently spent some time at the Kitty Ford Center. I had previously stated that I was there to undergo treatment for addiction to prescription cat treats after hairball removal surgery. This is not true. As was rumored, I was actually being treated for a chronic fructose addiction brought on by 50 years of consuming sugary cereals. I apologize for my deception.
But as a result of my ordeal, I can now say that I am a changed cat. (Pauses for some sniffles). I have learned to take life one day at a time, and I know that with the support of family, friends, and various antidepressants, I will be able to live a happy, healthy life. I just need something to replace sugar in my life...Anybody got a cigarette?
Comments? Contact Chris
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