SAVING MEL GIBSON
by Chris Joseph If I were Mel Gibson, I wouldn’t be expecting any Bar Mitzvah invitations in the foreseeable future. I’d also try to steer clear of brises for fear that an indignant mohel might decide to make my nether regions the target of his izmel. (Of course, if I were Mel Gibson, I’d be stinking rich, adored by women the world over, and a raging alcoholic. Who says you can’t have everything?) And the consensus of the news reports I’ve read and heard in the wake of Gibson’s DUI arrest and accompanying anti-Semitic remarks is that he’ll now be about as welcome in Hollywood as a starlet with a chastity belt . It seems that the powerful filmmakers would love nothing better than to see Mel get nailed harder than James Caviezel in "The Passion of the Christ." But I’m willing to give "The Loaded Weapon" another chance. I believe we should forgive and forget, just like that most popular of Jews (before Adam Sandler, anyway) would implore us to do. After all, history is rife with accounts of renowned men and women who committed even more egregious faux pas and lived to tell about it--albeit some longer than others. Here are just a few examples you may not have thought of: George Washington In a scathing diatribe following a botched procedure to replace his rotting wooden dentures, General Washington referred to colonial dentists as "a bunch of bleeping termites." Washington then incurred the wrath of the dentists’ union, Ye Olde Local 732, who issued a statement calling him "Gingivitis George," a reference to his poor oral hygiene
habits.
Washington survived the scandal and led the American rebels to victory in the Revolutionary War, eventually becoming the Father of Our Country. The medical profession attained its revenge when Washington died after his minor throat infection was treated by excessive bloodletting.
Marie Antoinette After dealing with France’s obesity epidemic by instituting a nationwide ban on French fries, the queen responded to the uproar of the citizenry by issuing the following proclamation: "Let the fat slobs eat cake." The French people took the queen’s remarks in stride; they started a revolution and severed her head in a guillotine.Julius Caeser When his speeding chariot was pulled over shortly before 3 a.m., the inebriated emperor launched into a profanity-laced tirade in which he allegedly called the arresting officers "backstabbing SOBs." Caeser recovered from his gaffe and went on to rule Rome with an iron fist until he met with an untimely demise, ironically at the hand of a backstabbing SOB. Pee-wee Herman The former star of film and children’s televison was publicly humiliated after being caught in an adult movie theater in a compromising position with a member of himself. The comedian then carved out a new niche by creating a successful series of illustrated instructional manuals for sperm bank donors.Richard Nixon After suffering a crushing defeat in the 1962 California gubernatorial race, the Trickster vowed that "you won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore." He rebounded by winning the presidency in 1968, then achieved immortality following the Watergate scandal when the collective foot of an entire nation became permanently imbedded in his backside.O.J. Simpson Despite tarnishing his image and disappearing from the public eye after his infamous brush with cutlery and handwear, the former football star and TV personality redeemed himself by finding his ex-wife’s real killer, singlehandedly discovering the cure for all life-threatening diseases, and ending world hunger. He apparently has also managed to resuscitate his film career, landing the co-starring role with Mel Gibson in the upcoming movie, "Lethal Weapon 5: Don’t Mess with the Juice."
Comments? Contact Chris
To subscribe for FREE Click here
| 
