NO GAMBLING AT THIS GETTYSBURG ADDRESS by Chris Joseph The Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board recently voted against building a proposed $350 million gambling parlor filled with slot machines in Gettysburg, ending the most heated battle to take place there since the North upset the South (Vegas had the Rebs as a three-point favorite, even though the Yanks had the home-field advantage) during the Civil War. While the reaction to the decision amongst current Gettysburg residents was divided, the results of my own unscientific poll seem to point out that many "past visitors" agree there is no place for slots near such a revered landmark. Here’s a sampling of the views... "Seven score and three years ago–that’s 143 years for the mathematically challenged–I stood on the hallowed grounds of Gettysburg to honor the soldiers who gave their lives to preserve the Union, so that it could enjoy a future filled with modern wonders like the telephone, the automobile, and TiVo. "That is why I was pleased to read on CNN.com–yes, Honest Abe is Web-savvy, although I must note that I am appalled at the proliferation of porn sites–that the placement of slots in that historic venue was disallowed. It is my firm belief that slots, trollops, harlots, and other such ladies of ill repute have no place on such sacred land. This would only lead to its desecration, as well as the eventual depletion of vital penicillin supplies. "It is not that I devalue slots. I was tempted during my time in Washington to spend a blissful hour at Madame Virginia’s House of Blue Lights on K Street, although I declined for fear that Mary Todd would have brained me with a skillet if she discovered my indiscretion. I do think that ladies of that ilk are better off plying their trade on street corners or at hardware conventions. "And now I must bid you farewell, for it is time to enjoy a relaxing evening at the theater." -A. Lincoln, Springfield, Illinois. "As God is my judge, I strongly agree with the Pennsylvania Gaming Board’s decision not to build gambling parlors at the site of the biggest failure of my otherwise glorious military career. "Even now, 136 years after my death, everywhere I travel in the Hereafter I am reminded of those three fateful days in Gettysburg. I am constantly barraged with taunts of ‘Hey Bobby, how come they don’t play Dixie before ball games?’ and ‘Hey Bobby, why isn’t there a Confederate flag flying outside the White House?’ It is enough to make an old general want to secede from the Promised Land. "The last thing I need is one more reason for tourists to converge upon Gettysburg to dredge up my past. Let me rest in what little peace I can manage." -R. E. Lee, Lexington, Virginia "I think the installation of slots in Gettysburg would have been a terrible idea. I have been vehemently against wagering of any kind since Old Man Lee gambled and lost when he sent me charging across a mile of open ground, right into the teeth of the enemy. What the hell was he thinking? I find it incomprehensible that Bo and Luke Duke would honor his memory by naming their automobile after him. "And we all know that gambling brings the so-called ‘bad element’ into a town. Just look at Las Vegas. How long would it be before Gettysburg was infiltrated by the likes of Celine Dion and Wayne Newton? "I applaud the decision to keep slots out of Gettysburg. And to Bobby Lee, the next time you want me to charge, I’ll say, ‘Kiss my Appomattox!’" -G. Pickett, Richmond, Virginia
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