A CLINTON FAMILY THANKSGIVING
by Chris Joseph
Maybe she’s been spending too much time on the campaign trail, but it seems that Hillary Clinton can’t avoid a good debate, even at the Thanksgiving table...
Wolf Blitzer: Welcome to the Clinton Thanksgiving debate. I’m Wolf Blitzer, and I’ll be your moderator for the next 90 minutes, or until the tryptophan kicks in...Mr. President, the first question is directed to you...That’s a fine looking bird you’ve prepared. How difficult was it to find the right turkey?
Bill: Well, I took several birds under advisement, and I narrowed it down to two. First, I chose the store brand to save Clinton taxpayer dollars. Then I switched to the Butterball because I thought it would be more plump and delicious.
Wolf: Senator Clinton, your response?
Hillary: It’s just like my husband to flip-flop on the issues. I thought I told you to go with the store brand. With me campaigning and you out of work, money’s tight. Can’t you do anything right?
Wolf: Mr. President, you have 30 seconds to respond.
Bill: I’m sorry, lammykins, but I’m new at this cooking stuff. I was just trying to do the right thing for my constituents, the fine citizens of the Clinton family. Besides, I’ve always heard you say how fond you are of the Butterball.
Hillary: How many times have I told you never to take what I say literally. That’s...that’s...the politics of parsing!
Wolf: That’s a serious accusation, Senator...your response, Mr. President?
Bill: I always listen to what you say, honey bunch, because I am a loving, devoted husband who cherishes you more than life itself. And you never said one word about parsnips, you old battle axe. We are having our feast without the proliferation of parsnips, just like any other Thanksgiving.
Wolf: Let’s move on. This question is for the Senator. Overall, what approval rating would you give your husband regarding his performance in the preparation of the Thanksgiving dinner?
Hillary: It’s too early to say, since we have yet to consume the meal. However, I do have pollsters stationed outside the residence to conduct exit polls. I estimate that the approval rating will be around 10 percent.
Wolf: Mr. President?
Bill: Well, if that doesn’t beat all. Here I am, slaving over a hot stove while you’re traipsing around the country making those stupid speeches. Why do you get to run for president instead of me? It’s so unfair!
Wolf: Mr. President, please stop crying on my well-groomed beard...Senator Clinton, your response?
Hillary: Well, you wouldn’t be cooking if I wouldn’t have had to fire the help because you couldn’t keep your hands off them. It was getting to be like the Oval Office around here.
Wolf: At this point in the debate it’s time for the carving of the succulent turkey. We will ask Chelsea Clinton to say grace.
Chelsea: Dear Lord, thank you for the gifts we are about to receive, even though my daddy screwed up the turkey thing. I also pray for a husband since I’m pushing 30, and for a room at the White House if my mommy gets elected. I hope they’ve heard of "No Child Left Behind." Amen.
Wolf: Mr. President and Senator Clinton, you each have 30 seconds for a closing remark...Senator?
Hillary: I just hope this bird is edible. My plan for universal healthcare hasn’t passed yet.
Wolf: Mr. President?
Bill: I hope that by this time next year we’re on our way back to the White House. I wonder if they still have those hot babes working down in the kitchen...
