W'S FIRST HUNDRED DAYS...OF RETIREMENT
by Chris Joseph
So much has been written and said about the first 100 days of Barack Obama’s presidency and how he has wrestled with the multitude of problems that plague the country, like the tanking economy, unaffordable healthcare, and who will win American Idol.
But less noticed have been the struggles of someone else who is undergoing a major change of life, one George W. Bush. So how has the former commander-in-grief kept busy while adjusting to retirement? Perhaps a glimpse into his diary will provide some clues...
January 27
Dear Diary,
How are you today? I am fine. Thanks for asking. Well, it’s been a week since I left the hallowed bowels of the White House and all the drippings of power. It’s going okay, but I’m starting to get bored. I miss Cheney’s beady little eyes and sweet, sinister smile. Laura gave me a list of honey-do projects, but she made me stop after I used her nylons to scrub the toilet. Think I’ll look into getting a part-time job.
Yours truly,
W.
By the way, Dear Diary, that’s spelled “W” with a W. And do you know why I didn’t get any of those lovely parting gifts when I left the White House, like they used to give on Hollywood Squares? We really could use a new waffle iron.
February 8
Dear Diary,
How’s it hanging? Mine’s hanging fine, thank you. I guess the part-time job thing isn’t for me. I tried being a Walmart greeter, but I got lots of strange looks when I said, “Welcome to Walmart. My name is George Bush. Can I have your vote?” Then Home Depot let me go after I burned my face on a Weber grill. I guess it’s back to the ranch to diddle around with the livestock.
See you later alligator,
W.
February 28
Dear Diary,
Talk to me, girlfriend!...Sorry, I just got done watching Oprah. Did you know that Joan Rivers has had multiple facial liftings? I, too, was aghasted.
Spent the day playing Scrabble with Mom and Dad. I kicked their sorry buttockses! They didn’t have a chance, given my expulsive vocabulary. They kept recusing me of making up words that don’t exist, but really, they are just jealous of my razor-thin mind .By the way, I understand tomorrow is March 1. Do you know what happened to February 29?
Good night and good luck,
W.
March 24
Dear Diary,
Sorry to hear about your female problems. I hear Preparation H helps, but I don’t know that for sure.
Made another call to Barack today to offer my sagebrush advice and words of wisdom teeth, but he hasn’t returned my call...again! He told me after he swore at the oath of office that he looked forward to my valueless input anytime, but he never calls back. He promised! I guess he’s really busy, what with cleaning up my messes and all. I’d send him a text, if only I knew what that meant.
Oh well, gotta run. The Murder, She Wrote marathon is getting ready to start and I don’t even have my jammies on yet. Laura will be so mad.
Wishing you pleasant aromas,
W.
April 20
Dear Diary,
What’s shakin’, bacon? Called a Cabinet meeting today and nobody showed up. They must all be busy playing bingo or something. Oh well, guess I’ll play checkers with the Secret Service again. Is it just me, or do they always let me win?
Think I’ll turn in early tonight. Busy day tomorrow. I have a complex book to finish. Hope Laura found my Crayolas.
Bye-bye and Barry Bonds,
W.
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