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This Week's Column
A LOOK AHEAD AT POST-BAILOUT AMERICA
by Chris Joseph
The federal economic stimulus program, otherwise known as “Hey Brother, can you spare a billion?” is now in full swing. I guess the hope is that all those taxpayer dollars doled out to corporate America will keep the country from meeting a horrible fate, like bankruptcy, anarchy, or becoming a giant movie set for another Armageddon flick.
So what can we expect to see in the way of “stimulation” over the next several months? Will the economy rebound to the point where companies are free to swindle, pillage and gouge to their hearts content without all that pesky government intervention?
Or will we continue down the path of financial ruin, with the name of our nation’s capital eventually being changed to "Hooverville" and the White House converting the Lincoln bedroom into a bed and breakfast to pick up some extra cash?
I will use my keen insight, gained through the combination of cheap bourbon and heavy doses of prescription muscle relaxers, to take a month-by-month look into the future.
April–Fed up with AIG wasting millions of dollars in bailout money by giving its executives lucrative bonuses, President Obama penalizes the beleaguered company by making all upper level mangers work as White House janitors. The experiment fails when the Secret Service uncovers a plot to break into Natasha Obama’s piggy bank.
May–With the number of financial institutions rapidly declining, sports franchises change the names of their bank-sponsored ballparks to bring back memories of a more prosperous time. Some examples include S&L Debacle Park, DotCom Memorial Field , and Great Depression Stadium .
June–Cardboard manufacturers report a surge in business as the building of cost-effective lean-tos replaces more traditional types of homes, such as wood and brick. Some of the new housing styles include Victorian Fridge Box, Corrugated Colonial, and Wet and Wobbly.
July--To commemorate Independence Day, President Obama declares that since the United States is a sovereign nation, it will no longer import any form of energy. As a result, oil derricks and natural gas pipelines begin to spring up in backyards across the country.
August–As a follow up to his July proclamation, the president decrees that August will be called “National Sweat Month” since there is no longer enough electricity to power air conditioners. This leads to what becomes known as the “Bay of Pigs,” where thousands of offended swine attempt to escape the pungent odor by swimming to a new land.
September–With the jobless rate approaching record levels, President Obama cancels Labor Day. Instead, the country celebrates its first “Labor Pains Day,” in which anybody who is actually still employed is forced to write the government a bailout check for $300. Those who aren’t working must write a check for $500.
October–With the huge growth in the number of homeless people, HELL (Homeless Eating Leftover Lunches) replaces AARP as the most influential lobby in Washington. The leaders appear at a congressional hearing, not to push their agenda, but because they hear they’re serving free bowls of soup and day-old bread crusts in the lobby afterward.
November–After hearing that people can no longer afford Thanksgiving turkeys, Terrence Longnecker, a wild turkey in Butte, Montana, turns himself in to game authorities and offers himself for dinner, saying, “I only regret that I have but two drumsticks to give for my country,”
December–As the number of corporations continues to decline, the nine remaining members of Congress pass legislation where all companies will be merged into one large corporation, to be called “Miscellaneous, Inc.” Unfortunately, the corporate headquarters are accidentally blown up during the filming of Armageddon 2: This Time, It’s for Real.
Comments? Contact Chris
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